Call it hormones. Call it postpartum depression. Call it sleep deprivation. Call it what you want. I call it overwhelming.
Monday Mr. Husband went back to work, unfortunately. I cried. I cried Sunday night and Monday morning, not because I was afraid of being alone with my little bug, because I was sad that he wasn't going to be here with us. I was sad that he wouldn't get to spend as much time with KP as I was and that I wouldn't have him to grab a baba when it was feeding time or change the poopie diaper occasionally or swaddle her when she fell asleep {he is the MASTER swaddler}. I am counting down the days, hours, seconds to the weekend when we can spend more time together, then I will be happy.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we only got 4 days at home together instead of a week like we had planned on {thank you c-section}. At first I was happy to be in the hospital for an extended stay {I mean who wouldn't love room service and people taking your baby when she cries?} but in hindsight I would have preferred more days at home, getting into a routine and getting used to being a family of 5 {Casey Girl & Chanel Belle included of course}.
I also cried because I'm overwhelmed. I want to clean up our house, but I can't. I want to go to the grocery store for us, but I can't. I want to be into a routine already but I know that's wishful thinking.
Things like taking a shower, shaving my legs, putting on makeup, and eating have fallen by the wayside. I do manage to shower every day, before noon if you can believe that, but I haven't shaved my legs since the Sunday before KP was born {almost 2 weeks ago}. I have put on makeup a couple days, only when company is coming and I don't want to look like a total zombie. And whoever thought I would "forget" to eat? Not me! But it's true. Most days I don't eat till after noon sometime and if it weren't for my amazing family and friends bringing us food I probably would survive on Skittles and Oreos most days.
Yesterday I cried. Mr. Husband got home and I cried because I was so happy he was home. He asked me why I was crying and I couldn't tell him, then I cried when he went to mow the grass. He mentioned KP going to kindergarten and I cried because I don't want her to go to kindergarten yet, I want her to stay my little snuggle bug as long as possible. If I weren't such a ding dong I would home school, NOT! I cried when Mr. Husband offered me a Blue Moon because it's my favorite and he knows it {ridiculous, right?!}
I think what it comes down to is hormones because today I feel good, have not cried once {yet}. I think another culprit is that I just feel SO MUCH love in my heart and I didn't even know it was possible. I thought I loved Mr. Husband with everything I have but since KP has entered our world I have this WHOLE new love for him {and her of course} and all I want to do is be with them and I HATE that I can't because someone has to bring home the bacon. I can foresee many nights out being turned down and more nights being spent snuggled up on the couch, just the 5 of us, and not regretting it for one minute.
Now let's all wish Mama Dew a tear free Thursday.
it is OK. I promise. I have cried SOOOOOOO much since Parker has gotten here. Overwhelmed is not even strong enough for me. it's HARD. it's challenging and it IS overwhelming. SLeep when she sleeps, that will definitely help. I promise. my kids gang up on me though and one is up while the other sleeps so...you see what happens here. you'll get a routine. until then, enjoy getting to know your little bug better. these are the best days of our lives. <3
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I've ever commented, but have to first say congratulations, and I love reading your blog. I don't know how I came across it, but I could relate to a lot of your stories during pregnancy. I am about 11.5 months ahead of you, as my little guy is turning ONE on 9/10. But this post brought me back to right after my Tommy was born. I too had a c-section (sort of knew it though since he was sideways for 2 weeks before). But the emotions you are feeling, TOTALLY normal. I went through the crying when my husband would leave for work. Called him at 5 to see when he was leaving to come home. I was SO emotional and overwhelmed, and lot of it was just because of these amazing feelings I had for my son, that I never knew were possible. I too wanted to the laundry done, the house clean, etc. I tried to do so much when Tommy napped at first, and honestly, I should have listened to everyone who said, leave it, take a nap when he does. Eventually I did relax a little (not as much as I should have, as I think back now!), and looked at the experience as a gift. You are right, it's just the hormones - some days you'll amaze yourself with how you can do it all, and other days, yes, you'll be in tears because you think you'll never get anything done. You and Kendall will eventually find your routine and rhythm - don't be hard on yourself - you've never done this before! I'm still reminding myself of that 11.5 months later. But you WILL figure out what works for you and Kendall. Yes, you'll make mistakes, but they really aren't mistakes because it's how you'll figure out what works for you and your family. Congratulations again, and enjoy every moment with your precious daughter!
ReplyDeleteGirl, its the baby blues. Its not postpartum depression. You are fine :) I would sit up late at night during feedings with Em and stare at her and CRY thinking of her growing up. Then, she got a cold, at 2 weeks old. I BAWLED MY EYES OUT. She was sick and I couldnt help her. I cried because I LOVED HER SO MUCH and cried because "it would be hard to go out" anymore (weird, I know..and totally not true). I cried over little things...I cried the night before Declan went to work because he would "miss too much". it is normal..and its your hormones regulating :)
ReplyDeleteEveryday will get better!
Youre doing a great job!
Aw, girl, this post was precious!!! Hang in there. I imagine it will get tons better and hoping for a tear free day!!! :)
ReplyDeleteThis was such a sweet post! Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better! I hope you have a wonderful, tear-free day.
ReplyDeleteI'm so thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. I just know I will feel exactly the same way when I'm home with the baby and Matt has to go back to work. And he works such long hours...I'm honestly concerned about the adjustment. But everything will work out for both of us :)
ReplyDeleteIt will get easier I promise! The first 2-3 weeks are the hardest. I cried so much after I got home and my husband could never figure out what was wrong. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteIt will all come in time, you won't even know that you have found your stride until one day you think, "wow, everything seems more doable! It will take some time but all will fall into place. Everything you are experiencing and feeling is so normal. I hate a messy house but I def. say let that all go and just enjoy time with your baby and relax and heal.
ReplyDeleteAw! Don't be so hard on yourself, it's ok to cry and feel, but don't get so worked up either. It's gonna be ok! Really. This is life, and it's beautiful and incredible and you are living right smack dab in the middle of it! Just enjoy it for all it's worth in the moment then move on to the next moment. Baby steps, with your lil Kendall.
ReplyDeleteI love how real and honest you are with your posting! I'm not even a Mom yet (but long to be!) and I'm feeling emotional just reading the feelings you are facing! Hope today is a great day for you =)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you didn't get to spend more time at home together! That's great that you're having such a great time with KP though at home!
ReplyDeleteEverything you are going through is so normal .... it's hard and challenging, but SO AWESOME and neat and fun all at the same time ... it gets better, I promise...the routine will come as you get the hang of it! Take it easy on yourself ... she's so precious and you're doing wonderful. Congrats again! KP is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteOh honey, 100% normal!! My hormones were completely under control during pregnancy, but after, whoa! They are still all over the place! The most emotional I get is when I rock him to sleep at night. I cry almost every time! Just because I love him so much. And if it's the end of the day and I haven't cried, sometimes I just do it because it makes me feel better! I've gotten to the point where I can actually laugh at myself when I am crying.
ReplyDeleteI was in the same boat!! I promise things get better. For me weeks pp was magical. I just felt better. I had a c section too. I tryed to bf, but she wouldnt latch so I pumped. I gave up after 6 weeks and it was just like a weight was lifted of of me. I felt like I had the whole mommy thing down by 6 weeks and we were off to play group and just getting out of the house and being with other moms is so great!!
ReplyDeleteI was a HORMONAL mess with my second...the pregnancy and postpartum! It will pass but I know how it feels to be happy and sad all at the same time!
ReplyDeleteAww, you really are a sweet mommy. I am not a mom, but I can imagine how overwhelming things are! Of course you want your hubs home with you, to see everything and have him next to you. I totally understand. And you must just be over-exploding with love... of all types - I can't even imagine!
ReplyDeleteMy sister, after she had her baby, said someone gave her really good advice, so she tried to remember it during her overwhelmed moments. They told her to remember "this is all a phase, a small phase in the many, many years... one day, you will actually look back and miss this."
Keep your chin up, you are a beautiful Mama! Congratulations!!
Love you, girlie! Ive never been there...yet...but my friends have...and all I can say is that it will get better...as it definitely has for them. I'm proud of you for everything you accomplish on a daily basis, girl. Raising another PERSON who is completely dependent on you, all the while healing from giving birth and getting used to a new person in the house.. wow. You're just freaking amazing, shaved legs or not. XOXO!
ReplyDeleteAWW sweet girl, hang in there, everything will get easier i am sure!
ReplyDeleteYou are being honest and it's so refreshing! Hang in there! I can't say I know the feeling because I haven't been through it yet (I don't have children). But, I know many friends who have, and I think it's completely normal and YOU are completely normal! Hang in there, and I say cry it out! Sometimes we need a good cry. :)
ReplyDelete