Life After I "Dew"

That's the phrase our pastor uses to describe moments in your life where you KNOW God is speaking to you.  I remember the first time I heard him say that, early on when we first joined our church, and I kept thinking {to myself} that I hadn't had God moment. I didn't know of any specific time in my life where I thought, "OK, I hear you!  I'm listening!".  I couldn't remember any defining moment where it felt like God was talking to me or using me.

It's been a few years since I heard that phrase for the first time but I've heard it numerous times since, sometimes on a weekly basis.  Since then I have realized so many "God moments" in my life and, in hindsight, it was all so obvious.

Meeting Jimmy and my in-laws was probably the very first moment where I knew God was with me.  I never grew up going to church and the only time I ever attended church was when I stayed the night with my BFF on a Sunday {her mom's rule}.  My family went occasionally, here and there,  but I could probably count on two hands the number of times we attended service {and most of them were for Christmas}.  Within a year of meeting Jimmy {and my in-laws} I had attended a couple services with them but the first one was the one I remember most.  It was Christmas time {2008} and I had never attended church service that wasn't Catholic.  This was a Christian church and it felt so right.  I understood the sermon.  I felt like I knew what was going on {God in my life}.  I remember being moved to tears and trying to hold them in because I didn't want my not yet in-laws to think I was off my rocker.  Now every year I always cry at Christmas service because it brings me back to that very moment, eight years ago.

I also know that God had his hands all over my pregnancy with James.  I didn't want to get pregnant that month.  In fact we avoided the month of November like the plague because I wanted to be in control.  I didn't want my kids' birthdays to be that close together.  And yet God had other plans and to my surprise I was pregnant and my kids' have two days between their birthdays. I truly feel like that was God's way of telling me to 'let go and let God'.  I was trying to control my life but ultimately I am not the one in control, He is and I needed to let Him be.

Most recently I know God showed up just in time for me to commit myself to Him and become baptized.  I've been saying for about a year that "I think I want to get baptized" but could never actually bring myself to follow through with it.  The last time our church did baptisms I said, "next time" and when I saw that "next time" just so happened to fall on my 33rd birthday I stopped right in my tracks and prayed.  I told God, "I hear you, loud and clear and I will obey".  I don't think it gets anymore clear than that.  This Sunday my mother-in-law will be baptizing me at our church.  When I found out we could have a mentor baptize us I knew exactly who I was going to ask.  I can't think of a more Godly woman; I say all the time that she is an angel sent from heaven to live on earth.  I look up to her and want to be like her in so many ways so I know she's perfect for the job ;-).

It's amazing how many moments, just like these, I can look back on and say, "yep, God showed up".  In the moment it's a little harder to recognize, in some situations.  Like when I got pregnant with James, I didn't initially think it was because this was God's plan.  Nope, I was actually mad about it, "how did this happen the very month we didn't want it when we had bee trying for three months leading to that one!?" was more like my reaction.  But looking back on the situation, I know why it happened the way it did and I can say the same for many other situations in life.

Do you have these types of moments?

Patience is not my strong suit.  You may remember my 31 days of patience series I did two years ago in hopes of becoming a more patient wife/mother.  I'd love to say that I learned lessons during that month that lasted me a lifetime but sadly I slipped back into my old ways.  Yesterday, specifically,  I let my lack of patience get the best of me and it came out in the form of screaming at my kids to the point, I'm sure, I looked like the exorcist, minus the head spinning.

I woke up with a great attitude.  I woke up early {6am} and thought about going back to sleep since everyone else was still snoozing peacefully but instead opted to get some coffee and some yoga in before the day started.  Sounded like a great idea but maybe that was my first mistake, maybe I should have just gone back to sleep {ha!}.  I wasn't quite done with my practice when Kendall got up and then from that moment on it just seemed like everything went down hill.  To the point Jimmy even said, "man, we are really being tested today".  And we were.

I told Jimmy, "I need Jesus today" and I knew whether I went alone and he stayed home with the crazy kids or we all went as a family, I was going to church.  We made it {barely on time} and that's when God took over...

I really felt my faith grow this past year and I am so thankful for our church and the community within.  I've participated in three bible studies within the year as well as started my own devotional at home.  The last year, 2015, was a hard one in a number of ways but I felt God stronger than ever through it it all and that was amazing.  I went through a period, during my teens and early twenties, where I didn't really believe in God.  I had no relationship with him, didn't belong to a church and it was so hard for me to even grasp the concept of faith because it wasn't tangible.  I didn't have concrete evidence, I couldn't see Him and therefore I just chose not to believe.

When I met Jimmy I attended a church service with his family and I felt all the emotions.  I cried.  I had never been to a church where I felt so "normal" and things made sense and were *gasp* relate-able.  I had never felt that way in a church and it felt amazing.  That church wasn't in a good location for us to attend on a weekly basis but I knew what I wanted in our home church.

I've been thinking of getting baptized for months. My family was catholic and I was baptized catholic when I was only a couple of months old.  I don't remember it.  It meant nothing to me {at the time}.  I didn't understand what was happening to me.  Now that I am an adult and I have built a relationship with God and I am {hopefully} raising my kids to have strong faith, pray, and believe I figured it was time to make the next move in my relationship.

I've been talking about getting baptized but for some reason I can never bring myself to sign up when our church has them.  The last time we had baptisms I said to myself, "the next time there's a sign up I'm going to do it".  Yesterday, amidst the chaos of the morning, I noticed that there was a baptism sign-up and that the actual baptism would be happening on Feb. 28.  My 33rd birthday.

If that's not a God moment, I don't know what is.  I immediately started praying.  I told God that I heard Him loud and clear and that I would obey.  I know He was speaking to me and I know that He knew I needed that right then and there.  That's the reason I never signed up before.  It wasn't the right time but now is.  This was a lesson in patience and I didn't even know it.  He was telling me to be patient and He would let me know when it was the right time.  I thought it was just be being lazy and scared but it was really a teaching moment, one that I needed.

I'm excited and nervous about this next step in my relationship with God.  I am excited to watch my faith grow deeper but I am nervous because I don't want to let Him down.   I know this is going to change everything and I am ready for it to.

I'm not sure if this is a socially acceptable topic but it's one I'm curious about and so I'm putting it out there. Tell me if I'm out of line.

I am curious to know how you/your family handles the offering at church.  Do you give every week?  Once a month?  Do you ever feel intimidated when that basket comes around?  Do you give the equivalent of a days worth of pay?

Let me say this, when they get the offering baskets out and start passing them around I get nervous.  I don't know what's appropriate to give, I don't want other people seeing what we give, some weeks I forget to bring cash or check therefore have nothing to offer {thank God our church offers online giving}.  I know it shouldn't but it makes me anxious every single week.

I've heard some people say that they treat is as any other bill/payment and it's figured into their budget.  Those people pay one lump sum once a month.  But then there are others who give a little bit every week.  We usually wind up giving every week but I kind of think I like the idea of doing it once a month.  Does it matter?  I don't think so.

I am also a big fan of keeping it anonymous.  We usually give cash and don't put it in an envelope with our names on it or anything.  I think that it shouldn't matter WHO is giving WHAT, that's not the point, right?  Yet it seems most people are slipping in envelopes so maybe we are doing it wrong.

Then there are the weeks where we struggle to get out the door with our clothes on correctly and I leave my purse in the kitchen and Jimmy doesn't have any cash on him.  Those weeks we don't have anything to offer and, while I'm sure this isn't the case, but I feel like people are thinking "Oh you didn't give?!".

I clearly am thinking too much into this, I realize that.  But I'm curious what others do and think about the subject.

Yesterday was our first day back in church in nearly ::gasp:: 6 months.  What can I say, Jimmy working 3rd shift really messed it up for us.  He usually slept until 11 or 12 on the weekends and I am guilty of being selfish and not wanting to deal with The Toddler and making sure we got to church on time, alone.  Kendall hadn't been a big fan of church and every time we went it was a meltdown and one week the "teacher" even told us the only way she could keep her calm was to let her play with her iPhone.  Yeah, we have that kid.

So rather than deal with the tantrums only to make it through the music portion of service to get pulled out, I just quit going.  It was hard enough when Jimmy was with me so doing it alone seemed impossible.  Poor excuse but it is what it is.

Saturday night Jimmy asked me if I wanted to go to church this weekend. I said, "sure" but only half meant it.  It was more of a if we wake up, get showered and out the door on time, "sure".  I wasn't fully committed. I woke up around 8 {another perk to Jimmy being on days is he wakes up with KP on the weekends now!!!} and by the time I had my coffee and breakfast it was 9 o'clock and I just figured we wouldn't go {church starts at 10}.  And I was OK with that.  But Jimmy pushed, he was determined to get us to church on time.

We decided before we went that Kendall was going to go to the Sunday school class instead of the daycare this time.  Since she's used to only ever being left with family we had told her how fun it would be, she'd meet new friends, make a craft, sing songs, etc but she was even reluctant which made me even more OK with not going.

But when we walked through the doors I instantly felt like today {yesterday} was going to be different.

Kendall walked into Sunday school like a champ.  She told the teacher her name, "Kendall Paige Dew" without hesitation and I finally felt good when we left that room.

When we sat down for the music portion of service I had finally looked at the program to see what the message was going to be about, "Stuck In a Rut- New Rules for Love & Relationships".  It wasn't coincidence that brought us to church yesterday.  God's handiwork was all over this.

At first I was all, "we aren't stuck in a rut!" but upon listening to the message, we totally are.  We have forgotten how to communicate, respect, and honor each other {I still blame 3rd shift for this}.  Sure we still loved each other but we hadn't been showing it, as of late.

Our pastor talked about communicating with one another.  How submitting to our husbands {and husbands to their wives} isn't a sign of weakness, often confused with dominance, but a sign of strength.  A lot of times our main goal in a relationship is winning and with submission you get just that.  By submitting to your husband you are ultimately showing him that you are a Godly woman and showing by example the way of the Lord.  I often times am guilty of speaking before I think, and my big fat mouth gets in the way of leading by example.

Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV 

Another point that hit home was the financial aspect.  Jimmy and I are both guilty of spending money without talking to the other but then getting mad when the other does the same thing.  We learned today that doing that to one another is not only a bad move financially but also very disrespectful of the other.  When I stretch our budget too far it makes Jimmy feel like he can't provide for us and therefore inadequate.  When he comes home with a fancy new "toy" it makes me feel like "well it's his money..." but in reality, it's our money. Our money should be treated as such and therefore should be something we discuss.  Because, after all, we should be happy with what we have instead of trying to "keep up with the Jones'".

Hebrews 13:5 ESV

Of all the days to decide to start attending church, yesterday could not have been more perfect for us, God definitely knew what he was doing leading us there.  I'm actually sad that we missed the first part of the series and that next week is going to be the last.  But I am grateful for what we learned yesterday and cannot wait to see what God has in store for us next week.

This weeks tragedy at the Boston Marathon has filled me with so many emotions.  It's made me realize that no matter how hard I try to hide from the ugly it's out there, it's everywhere.  I try to live in a place of happiness.  Call me naive but I like to see the good in humanity and for the most part we, my family, are surrounded by goodness. But then something like this happens and it shakes you to the core.  It makes you question everything, God included.

Even more disturbing is the fact that my child{ren} will grow up in a world full of hate, no matter how much I try to shelter them from it.

Right now Kendall knows no evil.  Sure she's had her run in with the occasional bully at the playground but she still lives in a bubble where life is good and happy.  She wakes up with hope and joy and nothing but positivity in her heart.  She's ignorant to things like school shootings, marathon pipe bombs and child molestation.  But that won't always be the case and that scares the shit out of me.

Growing up I can remember my parents being the more strict ones out of my group of friends.  I had an earlier curfew for more years, I wasn't allowed riding in cars with teenagers {for a very long time}, I couldn't do a sleepover two consecutive nights in a row and I certainly wasn't allowed coming and going as I pleased or saying words like "hate" let alone any other four-letter-words.

Of course, at the time, I  was all "OMG you guys, you are so embarrassing!  What's another hour on my curfew?  Why can't I go to Chicago with my two guy friends?  Why do you need to talk to their parents?  It's just a mile down the road, why can't I ride with Kelly?"  I remember using the words "cut the cord" when I finally turned 18, an adult.  And just like that, I know why.

As a parent you just want to keep you kid{s} safe from everything.  That's what my parents were trying their damnedest to do.

I witnessed Kendall, for the first time, being genuinely kind and helpful to her friend at the library this morning.  She's a little bit older and, therefore, smarter and she was helping him with a puzzle he couldn't quite figure out. When he started throwing the pieces she said, "We don't do that, that's not nice." And then helped him find them and picked up the pieces.  It was a moment I hope I never forget and almost brought me to tears, right there in the middle of the library playroom.

I want her to always have this kind, helpful heart.  I don't want her to be hardened by the cruel world that we live in or, even worse, live in fear.  But I want her to be aware.  Do you know what a fine balance that is?

As we approach preschool years I find my mind flooded with thoughts about her being out of my control for the first time in her life.  She's always been entrusted with family members whenever she's been without Jimmy or myself and for that I am always thankful.  But now she will be in the hands of a "stranger" for 4 hours a week and, quite frankly, that scares me to death.

I think about the 20/20 and Dateline segments about stranger danger and the "stranger" set up to lure kids into their car with a puppy.  Do you know 9 out of 10 kids would approach said stranger?  Kendall would be in that majority, she would.   I think about how I need to tell her how no one is allowed to touch her privates except mommy and daddy {or grandparents in those situations} to help her go potty.  I even had a terrible, terrible dream, and I can't even go there right now.  But let's just say my freak is freaked.

And then the Boston Marathon thing happened and it shook me to my core.  Evil is all around us and no matter what I do to prepare her for the outside world, there is nothing, nothing I can do to protect her from acts like this.  Something as simple as going to a movie has been ruined.  The innocence and safety of something so mundane as going to school has been taken away.  As a parent I don't know that I will ever feel safe when she {and James} are out of my control.

And then, in such a tragic time you also see the good in people.  People who will literally take the shirt off their back to provide a live-saving device for a complete stranger.  And that's when you know it's Him.  God is there and he still exists in people.

I'm not sure where we go from here.  As an individual, as a nation, as a mother I'm still lost.  I still don't know what to do, what can we do?  How can we protect our innocent babies, make them aware of dangerous situations while not scaring them?  It's such a fine line and I can only hope and pray that I do right by my child{ren} and that God will take care of the rest.

A couple of weeks ago I was involved in a conversation that left me feeling...dirty.  Not in a bow-chicka-wow-wow kind of way but in a wrong kind of way.  Like I needed to take a shower afterward.  I definitely didn't feel good after the conversation and I definitely didn't feel like a better person.

I was a part of the conversation though, meaning I was involved.  I said things that I wished I wouldn't have.  I indulged the ugly.  Afterward I sat and reflected on what had just happened, what was said, what I said and I didn't like it.

This isn't the first time I've found myself in this situation. Let's face it, gossip is my middle name.  I normally can dish it just as quick as Paula Deen on Thanksgiving.  But this time it felt different, it felt wrong.

Maybe it's because we've been going to church and I've been viewing life through different, renewed eyes.  I no longer wish to partake in such behavior that leaves me feeling so convicted afterward.  I on'y want to surround myself with people who are going to bring me up, make me feel better, make me grow as a person, make me learn something, make me better.


Now that Kendall is growing up, repeating after my every word, and learning from me this is especially important.  She sees my actions, the way I dress, the way I interact with her daddy.  She hears the words I say and when I laugh.  She knows things way beyond what I give her credit for.  She is impressionable.

If I would have caught her engaging in the type of behavior that I was a couple weeks ago I would have scolded her.  I would have told her that was wrong, disrespectful and definitely not God-like and encouraged her to surround herself with a different "group".

I found this quote shortly after this conversation and I felt like it was God looking down on me and telling me all those things I would be telling Kendall.  He was sending me a message, one that I needed, loud and clear.  He wants me to be more like Him and in doing so I need to surround myself with people who are aiming for the same goal, to be more like Him.

Instead of agreeing with the crowd I want to share my voice, even if it's different than the majority.  Instead of chiming in with another hateful comment I will think about how that would be perceived if it were to "get out".  Instead I will stand up for what I believe in or what feels right instead of giving into the devil.

Whether you are a fan of Oprah or not, I think we can all agree that this quote is relevant.  It's easy to go with the flow, agree with the crowd, indulge in a little "gossip" but at the end of the day it's the people who lift us higher that make the biggest impact.  I want to be that person.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching, self-discovery, finding my place in this crazy world kind of stuff lately. You may have noticed that the posts around here have been a little more serious, less fluff and that's why.  I'm trying to find a happy medium but right now, right now this is where I am.

This blog is about to get all real on you.  Emotional.  Sentimental.  Positive Paula shit.  Sorry, I'm not sorry.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we were searching for a church home.  This past Sunday started our journey and I wish I had a more positive experience to report.

Back story:  I've never belonged to a church.  Growing up my family was Catholic, I was baptized Catholic and that was pretty much the end of it. We went to church here and there, for holidays sometimes, but never religiously {hehe}.  It never bothered me, in fact there was a point in my life I would say I was agnostic. I wasn't informed therefore it was hard for me to believe.  That is, until I met my husband.

When I met Jimmy I was in a dark, dark place {I've talked about this before} and when I met him, and fell in love, I knew there was a God.  My life started to turn around for the good and at that point I knew there was a higher power. I went to church with his family that Easter, a Christian church, and I cried.  No one knew it but me but I just felt so emotional in that moment and I felt like I belonged there.  It was a more contemporary church {very unlike the Catholic churches I had attended} and for the first time in my life I understood what the pastor was saying and I could relate.  The only thing with that church is it was so far from where we lived, and even further from where we live now.  When we bought this house we talked about finding a church and, well, now we've been here over two years and still don't have a church home.

Present day:  I blame all the chaos that has entered our lives lately but recently I've been really feeling the need for church in our lives.  I just feel with all the negative that has entered our lives recently we need something good to outweigh it.  Something to give us hope and, most of all, faith.  I want Kendall {and future babies} to grow up in a church surrounded by faith and knowing God.  I was {and still am} very uneducated when it comes to faith and religion, so much so that I've had to have my husband explain A LOT to me throughout this process.  I don't want Kendall to question her faith the way I did.  That is another reason why this journey has become so important as of late, none of us are getting any younger.

This week we attended our first church service as a family {well Kendall went to the toddler room} and it was not for us.  I don't want to go into the details of why it was not for us because I don't want to offend those who attend a church similar to this one.  With that being said it was just not what we were looking for and while we did like parts of it the parts that we didn't like definitely outweigh the parts we did like.  It was just a feeling, an uneasy feeling, we got throughout most of the service.  It just didn't feel right in many ways.

This Sunday we are attending another church and this one is even closer to our house! I have a really good feeling about this one {but I said that about last weeks too}.  My mother-in-law had attended this one when they lived closer and she thinks we'll like it too.  But?  If we don't I'm OK with that.

This journey is about finding the perfect church home for us and if that means we visit a different church every week for the next 2 months, so be it.  I'm OK with that because I know when we do find the one we will know it.  We will feel it.  I know it will be worth the wait and I'm ready for it.