Life After I "Dew"

I'm not always a fun mom. In fact I'm not more than I am. I do what's easy vs what's best. I don't cuddle or play with my kids enough. I have very little patience and get annoyed easily. I crave "me time" and get bent out of shape if that gets disrupted because someone can't sleep past 6 am.  I'm not saying this to be self deprecating or for head pats, these are true flaws of mine that have me doing some major reflecting these days.

Lately I'm feeling a pull into a more simplistic lifestyle. I even said to Jimmy, "I just want to be a 'normal' mom". I don't want to be the mom who's so interested in everyone else's lives she can't realize her own is pretty damn good. I want to look my kids in the eyes when they share stories with me. I want to stop worrying about the dishes in the sink and sit down and read a book with my family. I don't want to feel this need to constantly be involved with something (social media, business, blogging, extracurriculars, etc). I want to quit feeling like I constantly have to prove myself (to who?).  I want to be ordinary.

I feel like that word, ordinary, comes with a negative connotation. What's wrong with ordinary?

I've never been a competitive person. I've never had the desire to be/do more. I've always been fine with somewhere in the middle.  I don't have the drive most do and that's OK.  It's just my DNA.  While I believe we are put on this earth to make a difference I don't think that it has to come from a place of more.  What's the saying, sometimes less is more?  For me that couldn't be truer {that's a word, right?}.

I decided I need to pull back on aspects of my life that don't serve me in order to make time for what does.  I want to get back to basics.  Things that I put more effort into than I get out of it have to go.  My fitness coach business has nearly drained me of my motivation so I'm pulling back on that.  I've been dreading my workouts lately so I went back to my love, yoga, and have felt so much more empowered since.  I've been waking up at 5 am to ensure a good hour, hour and a  half, to myself to practice and I can't tell you how much that has changed my life.  My kids wake up to a mom who is fulfilled and pleasant to greet them every morning.  My kids have been more plugged into their tablets than their imaginations so those are gone.  For months Jimmy and I spent our alone time, after the kids are in bed, binge watching ________ but we've traded that for a glass of wine/whiskey on the deck actually having conversations.  Hell even our diets have changed to a more basic way of eating so much so that I'm thinking of starting my first garden.

I feel a little hippie dippy in a way but maybe wonderfully ordinary is a more appropriate term because I am far from a flower child.  I also know that this is a process and I'm not going to magically change overnight.  I can say, however, I've already seen a positive shift in our every day life.  This morning, for example, I was making breakfast, Kendall was reading a book, James was playing with his Power Rangers {always} and I had soft music on in the background-the sun was casting a yellow glow over he kitchen, it was beautiful.  I even sent Jimmy a text, "this morning has been so peaceful".

Kids pick up and respond to the vibe we give them so if we are stressed out, mad, yelling, crazy people {guilty as charged} they become stressed out, mad, yelling, crazy people.  Since I've been more calm with them the tantrums have been few and far between.  They notice that I'm not reacting in a hyper manner and that has made them realize that they don't need to do that in order to get my attention.  They have been more loving towards each other and the fighting has considerably decreased in frequency because I have been more compassionate towards them.  It's a total win/win situation.

I know it's the end of April but in a way it seems like the first of the year for me.  It's not easy to self reflect, especially when you don't like the reflection, but that's where growth comes from.  I feel like I have been renewed and my true New Years Resolution has finally been set in place.  An ordinary lifestyle is the life for me, wonderfully ordinary.

This weekend I had a meltdown. Not my first and surely not my last, especially where The Terrible Twos are concerned.  But one for the record books, that's for sure.

I posted this picture to Instagram, an hour before Jimmy's party was to start, and not 30 minutes later I was in the master bath, sobbing, big fat ugly crying my eyes out.

I had reached my breaking point.

It's not very often that I feel that frustrated.  I don't know when the last time I cried was.  I used to be a crier, I'd cry over any little thing, and they said that when you become a mom that multiplies.  Not in my case. I feel like I cry less now, except when it comes to weddings, babies being born, you know, mom things.  But Saturday?  I cried.  And I cried hard.

Not only did I cry but I vented.  My poor husband.  I told him I didn't like our child {in the moment}, that I didn't want to be around her.  I told him that this is the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet.  God knows I cannot handle it, not right now. I am feeling the effects of being a stay-at-home-mom and being the on that has to teach, discipline, love, play, feed, clothe, bathe most days.  It's hard and exhausting and not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I cried because I'm frustrated. I feel like my child is the only defiant two-year-old out there.  I know that's not the case but hot damn I read so many posts where their toddler is sweet, kind, gentle, polite, listens, behaves and I feel like Kendall does the exact opposite of all of that.  She doesn't listen, doesn't respond to authority {she laughs when I yell and puts herself in time-out}, throws a fit when she doesn't get her way and the only answer that anyone has is, "it's called The Terrible Twos for a reason".

Well, I am here to tell you that I do not accept that.  I refuse to chalk bad behavior up to a stage, that's ridiculous.  I need answers.  I need help.  I need something to work.

Thankfully relief came in the form of my mother-in-law that night.  She was here for Jimmy's party and offered to take Kendall off my hands for the night.  As much as I wanted to scream "YES! YES!  PLEASE PLEASE!!!" I felt guilty at the same time.  I ended up letting her take her and it was the best decision I could have made.  I needed it.  We both needed it.

When we picked Kendall up Sunday afternoon I still felt like it wasn't enough time.  I wasn't ready to be her mom again.  I didn't miss her and I didn't want to deal with the tantrum that was to come when it was time to load her up into the car.  Thankfully she was exhausted when we got there so leaving wasn't really an issue {yay!!} and we headed straight for my parents from there so she took a nap making for a quiet and enjoyable drive.  Jimmy and I even got to listen to what we wanted on the radio!

My entire family was anxiously waiting for us so as soon as we got there it was all hands on Kendall.  She ate it up.  She got 100% attention from not one, not two, but 5 people other than myself.  I barely lifted a finger.  So while it wasn't a "break" because I was still there it was enough of a break that I can say today I feel better.

I have never had a "job" that left me feeling so emotional.  I have never "worked" so hard in my entire life as I have these past two years.  I've never experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows as I have since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure if/when Baby Dew #2 is going to enter our world but I think it's safe to say God is waiting.  He knows that I have a lot to learn, still, and I'm not ready.  I am a work in progress and eventually {hopefully} I'll figure this mothering thing out.  Until then there's always wine, right?

• Remember that time I let Kendall eat a delicious breakfast of strawberries, blueberries, banana and a cereal bar topped of with a fresh glass of organic milk all while I had a cream with coffee and a bowl of vanilla pudding with wafer cookies and banana.  The banana part totally makes up for the cookies part, right?
• What about when I let Kendall watch MMC while she eats?
• Then there was the time where I had said, "Stop! Eating! Dog! Food!" one too many times and just let her eat it, you know so she could see how bad it really tastes. It backfired big time because she seemed to like it.
• I have also been known to fill up Kendall's snack cup only to have  her feed said snacks to the dogs and I let it happen because she LOVES it and giggles the whole time. 
• When I can tell that KP is thisclose to falling asleep in the car but we are about to pull into the driveway, I circle around and take the "long way" home until she does fall asleep so that I don't have to fight nap time.
• Kendall has eaten animal crackers for breakfast before, a time or two.
• If Kendall is in the playroom and being very quite I get nervous to go in there.  Not because I'm afraid of what she might be doing in there {that room is totally child proof} but because I'm afraid of disrupting her and making her want ME to come play too.

• I am so damn pissed off about my domain name, you have no idea.  So pissed that I didn't even sign into blogger once yesterday.  So pissed that I almost want to stop blogging altogether.  It seems as though no one wants to help.  Not Blue Host and certainly not Blogger.  It's annoying and frustrating.  I am back to using my blogspot address {www.butterfliesandheaveneyes.blogspot.com} for the time being {hopefully not permanently}.  The thing is my posts are only showing up for about half of my audience.  Annoying.  So I apologize.  I will continue to update my Facebook page and Twitter and hope that helps keep you in the loop.  Until then just know I'm crabby. 
• I have been tossing around a few job ideas but I just don't know what is worth the risk and what is just not possible.  I would love to do something from home.  I wish that my Avon stuff would take off and I could make a career out of it but I just don't see that happening.  {p.s. I have a free shipping code for first time customers so leave me a comment if you want to place an order.  Please?  With a cherry on top?} So I have to try other avenues and hope that something works out.
• Jimmy and I have been addicted to Sons of Anarchy this past week.  We literally watch an episode or two every single night after Kendall goes to bed.  I'm not 100% sure what's going on all the time but I do know that Jax is hot and I dream about the day that he cuts his hair.  Also Peg Bundy is amazing on that show, love her. 
• I know August is a long way away but I cannot help dream about our family vacation to the beach.  I have visions of what this trip will be and it's nothing short of glorious.  Also?  I'm getting up and running on the beach during sunrise if it kills me.  It's something I've always wanted to do and even talked about doing {but never did} the last time we were at the beach.  I will do it, even if it's just once, this time.
• We ate pizza twice this weekend, don't judge, and Kendall calls it "pee-pee".  Yep.  So that's fun.  Also?  She saw me getting dressed this week and now knows "boobies" and can say it clearer than any other word in her vocabulary.  Great.  She can also count to 3 {kinda} and hearing her say "two" is beyond the cutest thing ever.  She's got this little southern {sort of} accent and says "teeew".  So cute.  Melts my heart.
• Don't forget to go and place an order with Kodi.  Thirty-One has some great products this time around and you get the chance to get a free URU Thermal Tote just for placing an order! 
• Speaking of shopping, Little Laws Prints is back from a mini vaca and offering a 10% discount now through Sunday {code:  bemyvalentine12}.  Just in time for your Valentine's day goodies!!!
• Oh and did I mention I have poison ivy?  Yeah.  I bet you are saying, "How?  It's winter!  You can't get poison ivy in the winter!"  And I am here, my friends, to tell you yes you can.  I have it BAD on the backs of both my thighs to the point that it looks like a flesh eating disease.  How's that for a visual?  Got any home remedies?  I've already been pouring bleach on it and using anti itch creams. 

So that's all I've got on this Tuesday.  SO WHAT! Wednesday will resume as planned tomorrow although I'm not sure how the button is going to work out.  It will be available, obviously, but it won't like right.  UGH can someone help me get it figured out already!?  OK I'm done whinning.  Speaking of w{h}ine, I'm thinking of giving it up {but not till this blog shit gets worked out}. 

Peace, with chicken grease,