Life After I "Dew"

Remember when you were young and you were obsessed with babies? You would sit on your best friends living room floor with the JCPenney catalog opened to the baby section. You would pick out your baby from the adorable baby models and then go through all the gear and pick out their crib, stroller, high chair, bedding, car seat, and more. You were a baby hog. Whenever your mom's friends would have babies you wanted nothing more than to hold them and play with them. You played "house" longer than any of your friends and probably longer than most.

Remember when you first got married, like on your honeymoon, and all you could think about was getting pregnant?  You were devastated when you came home from Mexico to see a - sign on that pee stick.  You cried when your husband said, "let's wait a year" as if he were telling you he never wanted to have kids EVER.  Little did you know that the following month would be it and you'd "finally" see that + sign.

Remember when you were a brand new mom with that squishy newborn?  Remember three months later when you had to go back to work while "all" your other blog friends who just had babies were getting the privilege to quit their jobs and become stay-at-home-moms?  You were so insanely jealous to the point where you were almost mad at them because you couldn't do the same.

Then remember when your job told you they were moving locations and you had the choice to either come with them or resign?  You called your husband crying because you didn't want to move but you also knew you couldn't stay home.  Your husband, as always, was your voice of reason and assured you it would be OK and that you could and should resign.  You were so scared but even more you were so happy.  Your dreams of being a SAHM were going to finally come true even if for just a few months.

Now three years have gone by since your stay-at-home-mom career started and while you've had a lot of fun days you've also had a lot of really trying ones.  Many times the hard days overshadow the good days and you find yourself crying, sitting in the parking lot of the pool.  You'll send your husband, your voice of reason, a text that reads something like, "I can't do this stay-at-home thing anymore.  I think I need to get a job again."

The terrible twos are back and while you thought they were hard the first time around, this second time is out to prove you wrong.  Wow.  Who knew an almost two-year-old could be so opinionated and literally make you feel like you've never parented before?  They make you question your sanity, your decision making, your life choices and ability to parent.  They make a night in a padded cell sound like a vacation.

Speaking of vacations, a "vacation" with kids is anything but.  You need to remember that as well.  You will not relax, you will not feel refreshed.  You will want a real vacation when you get back and actually look forward to going home because at least your house is kid-proof.

Many days you will feel like you are treading water with your nose barely above.  No one warns you of this and even if they did you would still have babies.  Because the truth is when the bad days seem to outweigh the good you will remember those days when you wanted this.  You wanted all of this, every messy, crazy, busy part of it.  Because not everyone gets this opportunity.  Many days you won't show it and your words won't speak it but you are thankful.  You will get through this stage and just like everyone tells you, "little kids, little problems- big kids, big problems".  While that statement annoys you more than anything you know that they are right and this too shall pass.

Hang in there moms, you're doing a great job.  

I remember about 8-9 months ago I thought that "the terrible threes" were going to be the death of me.  There were times I can remember saying, "after three we should get an all expenses paid KID FREE trip to a destination of our choice" because OMG it was intense.  It felt like every.little.thing. was a battle.  Eating breakfast, getting dressed, getting in the car, behaving in public, taking a bath, going to bed, it was all a production and made me question my abilities as a mother.

People kept saying things to "help" but all they did was frustrate me even more.  Hearing "just wait, four is awesome!" made me want to kick a cat.  Like, seriously, I have to wait a whole year before things get good again?  I was not looking forward to the whole year until that point.

Well, I am happy to report, I didn't kick any cats and we've made it to the other side in one piece.

Now I see what all those people were talking about!  Although she's not quite four, this age is starting to be my favorite.  Like I have this amazing little person that I can talk to now and she's pretty cool.  She's not just a toddler who says words in a funny way, she's a little human who can have real conversations and say witty, clever, thought out sentences.

It's fun to start seeing just who she really is. Her personality.  Her likes.  Her dislikes.  What makes her laugh.  Things that scare her.  Making friendships.

She is still very strong-willed and opinionated.  That was a quality that was really hard to deal with when she was younger, holy independence, but now it's a trait that I hope she never loses.  I want her to always stand up for what she believes in and never be afraid to say how she thinks or feels.  None of us should ever feel censored.

She's hilarious.  She will say the most funny, random, things and it's not just jibberish anymore.  She can actually come up with some really funny jokes and she can do almost anything in a funny accent and I'll laugh.  Her new favorite thing is to sing the Band Aid song "I am stuck on Band Aid brands cause germs won't stick on me..." in a funny, southern accent.  If you follow me on IG you know what I'm talking about.  That's just her personality.  Jimmy's been talking about getting a new puppy and when he asks her she'll say something like, "why ya wanna do that?" because she knows how ridiculous that sounds too.

Last summer she was into fishing with Jimmy, getting a little bit dirty and this spring seems to be the total opposite.  When he asks her if she wants to go she always says, "Daddy, why you always want to go fishing all the time!!!".  He swears I'm turning her into a girly girl {she'd wear a nightgown 24/7 if I'd let her} but I think it's who she is. I do still see a little Tomboy in her every now and again so I have a feeling by the end of summer she'll be his fishing buddy again.

School has helped her come out of her shell big time.  She plays more independently these days and is much more easy going.  I love watching her make friends with her classmates and hearing her talk about them when I pick her up.  It's fun to watch her make her own friends who aren't my friends kids.  Although I'm not surprised by the friends she's chosen, I am surprised that her "best friend" is a boy who, if you ask her, she "has a crush on".  Insert shocked eyes.

It's funny how terrified I was of three at the beginning of the year because now I'm loving it.  Dare I say, this is my favorite stage?  Perhaps it's because she's my mini me?  I love knowing what she wants and needs.  I love having conversations with her, hearing her thoughts.  I love her little voice and the funny things she says.  I love that she's becoming her own person, and a pretty awesome one, at that.

I went through the terrible threes and lived to tell about it.

This weekend I had a meltdown. Not my first and surely not my last, especially where The Terrible Twos are concerned.  But one for the record books, that's for sure.

I posted this picture to Instagram, an hour before Jimmy's party was to start, and not 30 minutes later I was in the master bath, sobbing, big fat ugly crying my eyes out.

I had reached my breaking point.

It's not very often that I feel that frustrated.  I don't know when the last time I cried was.  I used to be a crier, I'd cry over any little thing, and they said that when you become a mom that multiplies.  Not in my case. I feel like I cry less now, except when it comes to weddings, babies being born, you know, mom things.  But Saturday?  I cried.  And I cried hard.

Not only did I cry but I vented.  My poor husband.  I told him I didn't like our child {in the moment}, that I didn't want to be around her.  I told him that this is the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet.  God knows I cannot handle it, not right now. I am feeling the effects of being a stay-at-home-mom and being the on that has to teach, discipline, love, play, feed, clothe, bathe most days.  It's hard and exhausting and not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I cried because I'm frustrated. I feel like my child is the only defiant two-year-old out there.  I know that's not the case but hot damn I read so many posts where their toddler is sweet, kind, gentle, polite, listens, behaves and I feel like Kendall does the exact opposite of all of that.  She doesn't listen, doesn't respond to authority {she laughs when I yell and puts herself in time-out}, throws a fit when she doesn't get her way and the only answer that anyone has is, "it's called The Terrible Twos for a reason".

Well, I am here to tell you that I do not accept that.  I refuse to chalk bad behavior up to a stage, that's ridiculous.  I need answers.  I need help.  I need something to work.

Thankfully relief came in the form of my mother-in-law that night.  She was here for Jimmy's party and offered to take Kendall off my hands for the night.  As much as I wanted to scream "YES! YES!  PLEASE PLEASE!!!" I felt guilty at the same time.  I ended up letting her take her and it was the best decision I could have made.  I needed it.  We both needed it.

When we picked Kendall up Sunday afternoon I still felt like it wasn't enough time.  I wasn't ready to be her mom again.  I didn't miss her and I didn't want to deal with the tantrum that was to come when it was time to load her up into the car.  Thankfully she was exhausted when we got there so leaving wasn't really an issue {yay!!} and we headed straight for my parents from there so she took a nap making for a quiet and enjoyable drive.  Jimmy and I even got to listen to what we wanted on the radio!

My entire family was anxiously waiting for us so as soon as we got there it was all hands on Kendall.  She ate it up.  She got 100% attention from not one, not two, but 5 people other than myself.  I barely lifted a finger.  So while it wasn't a "break" because I was still there it was enough of a break that I can say today I feel better.

I have never had a "job" that left me feeling so emotional.  I have never "worked" so hard in my entire life as I have these past two years.  I've never experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows as I have since becoming a mother.

I'm not sure if/when Baby Dew #2 is going to enter our world but I think it's safe to say God is waiting.  He knows that I have a lot to learn, still, and I'm not ready.  I am a work in progress and eventually {hopefully} I'll figure this mothering thing out.  Until then there's always wine, right?

It was just what I needed, what we needed.  Yesterday I had a day to myself and after the week from hell it was just what the doctor ordered.  My mother-in-law will never know how much I appreciate the gift she gave me.  The gift of sanity.
It's no joke that we are struggling around here.  Financially, emotionally, mentally we are spent.  Jimmy has been working 60+ hours a week since we got back from vacation and I have been dealing with The Terrible Twos and a sick dog and I just needed a break.  That break came in the form of a day to get my hair cut, go to the mall, drink Starbucks and catch up with my best friend.  Perfect day in my book.
I know what you're thinking, "wow that sounds like an expensive day!".  Well, my friends, I didn't spend a dime.  I have earned, yes earned, so many "stars" via my Starbucks app to qualify me for a free drink {for inquiring minds I tried a PSL again and didn't hate it as much but I still prefer my SCM}.  Score!  I had something that needed returned to H&M and came home with some {f}Uggs for Kendall in exchange.  Score!  I got a gift card for the salon for my birthday that still had money left on it, just enough for a cut.  Score!  The only downside of this day was the "wine headache" I had from the night before.
I got to snuggle a sweet 3-month-old while giving her mama a break to eat lunch.  That may have been the highlight of my day.  Yes it was either that or the fact that I had 2 hours of friend conversations that weren't interrupted by "Kendall don't touch that", "I love you, you love me", or "be gentle with baby Norah".  Yes, I think the conversation won the day for me. It was so refreshing to sit with my friend, outside, on a gorgeous fall afternoon and shoot the breeze.  I don't know if she knows how badly I needed that.
On my way home I drove in silence. Why?  Because it's not often that I'm in my car where I get to chose the sound.  {For the past week I've been driving to Choo-Choo-Soul on repeat, if I hear "I like chocolate sauce on chocolate ice cream" one more time I may need a 12 step program.}  It was glorious.  The sun was shining and it was as if God was telling me, "it'll be alright".  And it will.
God doesn't give us more than we can handle, I truly believe that.  The thing is I needed this "break" to remember that.  He knew I needed that break and He sent my mother-in-law in to rescue me.
As I was driving home I felt refreshed.  I felt rejuvenated.  I felt like I could be a good mom and happy wife again, two things I feel like I've been failing at this past week.  Jimmy has come home to a over-stressed wife and Kendall has heard me yell more times than acceptable but after my MDO {mom's day out} I feel like I'm back in business.
Truth be told my problems aren't worth it.  At the end of the day God has provided for us and he will take care of us.  I don't know how but that's not for me to know, He knows.  I need to remember that, trust in Him and know that we will be taken care of.
I'm thankful for yesterday. Thankful to my mother-in-law for keeping Kendall.  Thankful to my stylist for giving me a relaxing morning.  Thankful for the weather for being so damn gorgeous.  Thankful to my best friend for inviting me over to chat.  Thankful.  I am thankful.