Life After I "Dew"

Mother's Day is this weekend {yay moms!!!}.  For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom.  I can remember being as young as 8-years-old, sitting on my best friends living room floor, going through the JCP catalog picking out all the "stuff" for my "baby".  I would circle what crib set I would buy, what stroller I thought was the cutest, outfits, highchairs, carseats, you name it.  I couldn't wait to become a mom.

I became a mom five and a half years ago and my world was forever changed {cliche mom saying}.  All I wanted to do was be with my baby and be a mom.  My dream of becoming a stay at home mom happened almost exactly four years ago.  It hasn't been all that I thought it would be but it is worth it.  There have been days where I've thought, "maybe I should go back to work, this 'ish is too hard".  I have cried, I have felt defeated, I have yelled, I have acted exactly how I tell my kids not to act.  This is by far the hardest "job" I have ever had.  We have our challenging days {lost of them, actually} but they are barely a blip on the radar compared to our amazing days.  The good outshines the bad every time and I know this is where I am supposed to be.

Every morning when I pack Kendall's lunch I have a "OMG I'm a real mom" moment.  Every time.  Same is true for when I say "yes" to becoming a co-leader of Girl Scouts {more on that later}.  If you're a mom you know what I'm talking about.  Those defining moments in time where you know it is worth it and this is IT.  This is what you've been waiting for your whole life.  Or maybe that's just me.

I know some people think the dream of being a stay-at-home-mom sounds predictable, unfulfilling, mundane, rinse & repeat- it's not for everyone, I know that.  But this is what I wanted.  I wanted the sleepless nights, the days of not showering, the trips to the pediatrician, the loud and annoying toys, the days where the crying seems endless.  But I also wanted to be the first face they saw when they woke up, the one to come to all the school parties, the one who gave a mid-day snuggle, and the one that listens when they come home from school and had a "bad day". Those things make it worth it to me.

I didn't have a stay-at-home-mom when I was younger.  Both of my parents worked and my babysitter was our next door neighbor.  I love and appreciate my parents and wouldn't change a thing about my childhood.  I am thankful they both worked to provide me with everything I needed {and wanted at times}.  I never went without anything.  I never felt any less loved or less wanted or less cared for because I had two working parents.  I didn't think my mom was any less of a mom because she worked outside of the home eight hours a day.  For our family it was worth it for my mom and dad to work and I know that to be true of many families today.

Moms come in all shapes and sizes.  We all have our own way of doing things.  Some of us co-sleep, some of us cloth diaper, some of us are baby-wearers, some of us believe in spanking some of us bottle-feed, and some of us home-school but we all have one thing in common; we are all moms.  We all have our things that are worth doing for our kids.  We are all doing the best we can and the best we know how.  

So, whatever type of mom you are, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.  You're doing it and you are doing one hell of a job.  YOU deserve to be celebrated however you choose whether that means spending the day with your kids or having a completely kid-free day.  You do YOU, mom.

Remember when you were young and you were obsessed with babies? You would sit on your best friends living room floor with the JCPenney catalog opened to the baby section. You would pick out your baby from the adorable baby models and then go through all the gear and pick out their crib, stroller, high chair, bedding, car seat, and more. You were a baby hog. Whenever your mom's friends would have babies you wanted nothing more than to hold them and play with them. You played "house" longer than any of your friends and probably longer than most.

Remember when you first got married, like on your honeymoon, and all you could think about was getting pregnant?  You were devastated when you came home from Mexico to see a - sign on that pee stick.  You cried when your husband said, "let's wait a year" as if he were telling you he never wanted to have kids EVER.  Little did you know that the following month would be it and you'd "finally" see that + sign.

Remember when you were a brand new mom with that squishy newborn?  Remember three months later when you had to go back to work while "all" your other blog friends who just had babies were getting the privilege to quit their jobs and become stay-at-home-moms?  You were so insanely jealous to the point where you were almost mad at them because you couldn't do the same.

Then remember when your job told you they were moving locations and you had the choice to either come with them or resign?  You called your husband crying because you didn't want to move but you also knew you couldn't stay home.  Your husband, as always, was your voice of reason and assured you it would be OK and that you could and should resign.  You were so scared but even more you were so happy.  Your dreams of being a SAHM were going to finally come true even if for just a few months.

Now three years have gone by since your stay-at-home-mom career started and while you've had a lot of fun days you've also had a lot of really trying ones.  Many times the hard days overshadow the good days and you find yourself crying, sitting in the parking lot of the pool.  You'll send your husband, your voice of reason, a text that reads something like, "I can't do this stay-at-home thing anymore.  I think I need to get a job again."

The terrible twos are back and while you thought they were hard the first time around, this second time is out to prove you wrong.  Wow.  Who knew an almost two-year-old could be so opinionated and literally make you feel like you've never parented before?  They make you question your sanity, your decision making, your life choices and ability to parent.  They make a night in a padded cell sound like a vacation.

Speaking of vacations, a "vacation" with kids is anything but.  You need to remember that as well.  You will not relax, you will not feel refreshed.  You will want a real vacation when you get back and actually look forward to going home because at least your house is kid-proof.

Many days you will feel like you are treading water with your nose barely above.  No one warns you of this and even if they did you would still have babies.  Because the truth is when the bad days seem to outweigh the good you will remember those days when you wanted this.  You wanted all of this, every messy, crazy, busy part of it.  Because not everyone gets this opportunity.  Many days you won't show it and your words won't speak it but you are thankful.  You will get through this stage and just like everyone tells you, "little kids, little problems- big kids, big problems".  While that statement annoys you more than anything you know that they are right and this too shall pass.

Hang in there moms, you're doing a great job.  

Do you ever have moments when you look at your life and you say, "Yeah, I feel complete.  I have everything I need.  I want for nothing."?

That's how I feel right now.  Complete. Satisfied.  Happy.

I feel like for a while we were always thinking about the future, waiting for the next big thing to happen.  We got married then we immediately thought about starting a family.  That happened quickly and so thinking about buying a house became the next order of business.  Then there was a big career change for me {working mom turned SAHM}.  Then it was time to think about adding to our family again.

Whew.  That all happened in three short, quick years.

Lately we've been toying with the idea of moving.  My husband keeps tabs on Zillow quite often and has seen a significant increase on the value of our house.  We intended on staying in our current house, our first house, for at least 5-7 years when we bought it and right now we've lived here four.  Perhaps we're just bored because we have no other life changes coming up but it's something we've been considering for the last month or so.

And then it hit me.  No, I don't want to move. I am comfortable here, in this house, in this stage of life, and I don't want to change it.  Moving would cause so much chaos and unnecessary stress that I'm just not
prepared to deal with right now in my state of contentment.

Our house may not be Pinterest worthy but it's perfect for us.  We've not outgrown it, by any means, so moving would just be for a change of scenery, more or less. Sure I still dream of a bigger, more beautiful house, and one day we will have one but for now this house is perfect for us.  There are things I want to change, fix, replace and those things are all a heck of a lot easier and cheaper than buying or building a new home.

Not only do I find contentment in our home but in myself as well. Weight loss journeys are difficult to go through.  I've never been overweight, per se, except for after my babies were born.  It's no secret that my body knows how to gain weight when it's with child and so after they were born I was left with this very unfamiliar reflection in the mirror.  I've busted my butt for months now and I'm happy to say that I'm finally in a good place with myself too.  I still have work to do and my body is far from perfect but it's the best it's been and I've worked hard to get here.

I also know that our family is complete.  I know, I know, I said that after Kendall was born and now look! But for real, guys. James has completed our family and has also made me realize that, while babies are so sweet, I don't do babies.  That may sound harsh considering he still IS a baby but I much more enjoy the preschooler age.  That's not to say I don't love my chunky little man but I do long for the days that he is older, more independent, verbal because I know it will make him such a happier child.  With that being said, I don't care to start over with another baby ever again.

I can't remember another time in my life that I've felt this sense of peace and fulfillment.  I have everything I've wanted and most importantly everything I need.

Some days I struggle with eating right and exercising.  It's true.  Some days I am like "wahhhhh I just wanna plop on the couch and eat ice cream".  Heck yesterday I would have rather done laundry {my most awful wife task} than workout.  And then I did two T25s, back to back.  Some days I love it, some days I hate it but no matter what I do it and I always feel better when I do.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of going to Kendall's preschool Easter party.  It was fun.  I always love observing her in her classroom setting, seeing her interact with her friends, it's really a joy to watch.  I'm very thankful that I'm able to be a part of those types of things.

While the teachers were setting up for "The Easter Bunny" to visit the kids were dancing to music on the boombox.  The kids who had moms with them were all "MOM!  Jump and dance with me!!!".  And I did.  I didn't even hesitate. I just got right in there and jumped and twirled and danced.  It was awesome and the kids got a kick out of it.

I felt so good about myself.  Forty plus pounds ago I would have never had the confidence to jump in there with the kids and boogie down.  Forty pounds ago I would have been the mom sitting, observing, wishing I were in the mix with them.  I would have smiled so no one would know that I was insecure but inside I would be sad.

Then there was the day that Kendall wanted to race up and down our insanely long, gravel driveway.  Three months ago Shannon would have been, "Oh why don't you ask daddy, I'll sit here and judge the winner!".  But instead I got up and raced her no less than twelve times.  She won all twelve times, of course, but it still felt good to be able, have the ability, to get up and do that with her.

Being fit, in shape, healthy is so much more than looking good in a bikini this summer.  It's feeling good.  It's feeling capable.  It's feeling confident. It's playing with your children.

I feel like we {people who workout more days than we don't} get a lot of gruff from outsiders.  "You are crazy!" "Take a day off!" "Is it even healthy to workout that much?" And so on and so forth.  It is so ironic to me because I feel that everyone should be taking the time to get some sort of physical activity in their day.  Being active is not something that should be shamed, it should be applauded and encouraged and something we all should strive for.

I know I'm a little bit more intense than some people.  I hate to not workout.  I don't take rest days and when I do I feel guilty and make up for it the next day.  It literally keeps me sane, Jimmy can tell immediately if I haven't worked out by the time he comes home from work.  It's just part of my life in a way that makes me feel so much better.

Of course I want to look great, who doesn't?  My current goal is to look and feel the best I ever have, even after two kids.  But even more important is ensuring that I live a long, happy, healthy life.  One where I am able to keep up with my kids for years to come.  Growing up my family wasn't the most active.  I did cheerleading until junior high school and then never played another sport or got involved in any other activities.  Hopefully I will teach my children the importance of taking care of yourself and they will want to be active in their lives.

Some days I do feel guilty making my exercise such a big priority.  There are times when I feel like I should be doing something one on one with Kendall during that time and then I feel selfish for choosing working out over that.  But then I realize, most days, it's just 25-30 minutes and we still get to do plenty of fun things.  I also hope that in seeing me make such a commitment to being fit and healthy she will too {when she's older, of course}.  It's definitely a balancing act, especially since I work out at home, but it's one that I've {kind of} mastered and feel good about.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder so how much do you love me now?

I think that this month has officially been the least amount I've blogged since starting this blog like 5 years ago.  I would like to thank my second child for that.

Life with James hasn't been easy.  The transition to two children has been difficult in more ways than one, for me.  At first it was perfect.  I loved it.  I felt like I had this all under control and I was going to prove everyone who said, "one to two is HARD" wrong.  Thankfully I have posts like this to remind me of the early days because right now I'm singing a completely different tune.

James is a difficult baby.  There, I said it.  He cries. A lot. He cries if he can't see me. He cries if he can't touch me.  He cries if I hold him and sit down.  He cries on the floor with a bunch of toys.  He cries in the jumperoo.  The only time he's not crying is if he's in the highchair with a lifetimes supply of Mum Mums, if he's sleeping, or if I'm holding him standing up.  That's it.

He's slept through the night since he was about two months old, so we've got that going for us. But he's an awful napper. He calls a 15 minute car nap on the way home from preschool drop off a nap.  He doesn't transition well from car to crib so some days that is it.  I think a lot of the crankiness is because of his awful napping but then there are days he rocks naps {like yesterday} and he's still miserable.  So what gives?

He had an ear infection so I thought, "GREAT! An answer. Now maybe he'll get better.".  Not that I wanted him to be sick but at least there was an explanation and hopefully an answer.  Not the case.  He's done with his prescription and he's still a mess.

I switched formula.  No difference.

Tried the amber teething necklaces.  Not it.

Acid reflux meds made no difference.

So I guess this is just how he is and I just have to deal with it.  It's hard because he's not my only child, obviously.  And I do let him cry, trust me.  I have to.  Today I was sitting on the floor, beside him, he could see AND touch me and he cried the entire time I got Kendall ready for school.  As soon as I picked him up he was fine.  My mom thinks he's spoiled but I just don't see how that is possible because I do not hold him all the time.  Yes I pick him up when he's upset, I'm not that big of an asshole, but I do not just hold him to keep him happy all day.  Ain't nobody got time for that.

And then there's the idea that Jimmy and I might sneak away for a kid-free weekend this summer.  Laughable.  Who is going to want to keep this kid overnight let alone for a whole weekend.  So there's that.

I'm not looking for answers, trust me I've heard them all, I'm just venting.  If there are other moms out there going through this, you are not alone.  I have cried, I have yelled, I have locked myself in my bedroom, I have asked for help so I can have some quiet time because this is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.  Top it off with the fact that each of us is sick and I'm one day away from a Britney Spears head shaving incident.

Not how I intended my first blog post in over two weeks but such is life.

I used to watch The Real World, back before it was all hook ups and partying, and I always thought it'd be cool to have a reality show of my own.  And now every Kendra, Rachel and Lisa can get their turn in the spotlight and people will tune in.  Now that I know of the reality show curse, you know, every married couple who does a reality show ends up divorced, I don't want any part of that business.  Besides, it would go something like this.

I wake up maybe before the children, maybe, and drink a cup coffee while it's still hot, if I'm lucky.  If we had a good night James slept all night and Kendall only woke up once to pee.  I usually feed the baby while the toddler, who isn't a toddler anymore so I should probably stop calling her that, begs me for fruit snacks {which she knows she has to wait until at least 11am to get}.  I usually feed Kendall better than myself.  She will have waffles with a side of fruit, cereal {Honey Bunches of Oats, preferably} and some toast or yogurt and oatmeal.  I typically have eggs of some sort, usually scrambled with salsa, and a warmed up cup of coffee.  Some days I don't even get that in {I know, I know} before it's out the door.

If it's Tuesday or Thursday we have preschool from 9-11:30.  I love the car ride to and from school.  James usually sleeps so Kendall and I sing songs, talk about the traffic, "Mom, where are all these people going?!" and what happened at school that day, aka what she had for snack.  On those days she's really hyper and naps are usually a struggle.

James eats when we get home from drop off which pretty much takes all my preschooler-free time but it's OK because that's usually when I catch up on the DVR.  We NEVER watch anything live, or even the same night it's even on TV.  You can typically find me watching Parenthood, Kendra on Top, Modern Family, Biggest Loser, or Grey's Anatomy  I'm happy to report that since cutting back on our cable I have really cut out all the reality TV garbage.  I usually try to clean, unload the dishwasher, fold a load of laundry or wash bottles during this time too but doesn't always happen #needybaby.

Kendall usually naps from 1-3, give or take, and James usually sleeps during this time too.  This is my big block of "me time" so I have to use it wisely.  I like to get on the treadmill during this time but some times other things are more important, like blogging, getting dinner ready or, if I'm lucky, showering.  I usually have some afternoon coffee at this point too and it's actually become the part of the day I look forward to the most.

Jimmy gets home around 4 unless it's a Monday or Wednesday, he teaches at the union hall for his local those nights.  I have to admit, Mondays and Wednesdays are LONG and I cannot wait until I see his face at 8pm.  But also, those nights are usually pretty difficult at bedtime.  Kendall just gets so excited to see him and it's RIGHT at bedtime so it's hard for her to wind down and get sleepy.  I'm thankful that Jimmy's started taking over  the preschooler bedtime and she actually seems to be doing better with him doing it.

I make dinner, always.  Jimmy claims he can cook, if I'd just let him, but he's not shoving me out of the kitchen to take over either.  Ahem...so I cook and I like it that way.  Cooking is my thing, my happy place. So is the grocery store.  I always do the grocery shopping and I'm 100% A-OK with that.  I don't take the kids, so I am all alone and it kinda sorta feels like a vacation.  Pathetic, I know.  Plus now that I use eMeals.com and they do my grocery list for me it takes the hard part out of grocery shopping so I'm done in a jiffy.  If Jimmy does go with me it's a nightmare.  He's all over the place, gets us way more than we need and we spend double, so I prefer to go alone.

On a good night Kendall will only get out of bed once for a drink, a hug, a potty trip, re-covering up, a nightlight to turn on or off, the list of excuses is endless but she's getting better and bed time is getting easier.  James is so different from her at bedtime  When she was a baby she'd eat and go straight to bed.  He will take a bottle and be up for another hour or so and then he's ready for bed.  I'm happy to report that he sleeps through the night most nights now!  It's so interesting how well I can function on 6 hours of sleep so long as it's a solid 6 hours.  I feel like a million bucks.

Once the babies are in bed Jimmy and I enjoy an hour or two to ourselves.  We usually watch a  movie or something on Netflix, we are finishing up Dexter right now.  Movie night doesn't typically go well, we have such opposite tastes in movies, but I usually fall asleep no matter what we watch so I usually cave before he does when it comes to compromising our movie choices.

The best decision I've made recently was choosing to take my shower at night.  Mornings are always hectic and I'm way to afraid to shower before the kids get up because I just know that they'll hear the shower or hair dryer and wake up anyway.  So I take it at night now, while Jimmy puts Kendall to bed.  No matter what I wake up and my hair is a hot mess so I rely on dry shampoo these days, Batiste Dry Shampoo Original Clean & Classic is my favorite.

There's nothing too exciting or too boring going on in our house, so I'm sure no one would tune in to our show but sometimes I do think it'd be fun to get a glimpse into a real housewives life.  You know, one that's not all fancy dinner parties and fake eyelashes.

Jimmy came home from work early yesterday, he's been coming home early a lot lately.  It's nice to have the extra family time but it's been hurting our budget {or lack thereof} for about a month now.  We are stressed, thinking about the upcoming holiday season is making me feel twitchy rather than cheery.  Instead of wondering about what awesome toys "Santa" will bring Kendall or what we could possibly do to make James's first Christmas special we are picking and choosing what bills to pay and which ones can wait.  On top of it all I woke up to a freezing cold house which means we may need a new furnace.  Perfect timing.

But, as I sit here, wrapped in a blanket warmed by the heat of a fire and a nice warm mug of coffee, I am oddly at peace.

It's weird really.

But it dawned on me, my children don't need all of that "stuff" they need me.

Our house is nice but it's not big or fancy or even Pinterest-worthy but it's our house and we've made it our home.  Kendall doesn't care that the throw pillow she's laying on has a rip in it and needs sewn. She doesn't know that the bed she's sleeping on was her dad's, back in the day.  James's bedroom furniture was my furniture when I was a little girl and guess what?  He has no idea.  The majority of James's clothes are hand-me-downs with a few new "pieces" here and there.  Kendall has a dresser full of cute clothes yet she'd rather wear a pair of leggings and a $6 My Little Pony tee.  And you know what I realize, right now? They don't need fancy stuff.

I think about going back to work sometimes because then we'd be able to afford things like gym memberships and swim lessons but then I think about my babies.  Do my babies care about those things? Would they rather spend all day at a daycare or with a nanny?  Heck no.  They want to be with me, in this house.  So I will do whatever it takes to keep things that way, for them.

As much as I'd like to shop like I used to, drive my old car, enroll Kendall in dance class, or have bigger/better house I want to be with them more.  And being with them means tightening our budget and doing what we need to to make sure that things stay this way.

I know that things will work out, they always do, but that doesn't mean that they aren't hard in the interim.  I just know that these people are worth it

Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm not pregnant.

No, in fact, this post is the exact opposite of a pregnancy announcement.

I am craving some adult time.

I love my babies to the depth of my soul, I love them so.  I love them so much that I make "appetizers" out of peanut butter sandwiches {mini toothpicks included} because Kendall loves it and gets a kick out of it every time.  Sure it's more time consuming but it makes her happy and that makes me happy.  I love them so much that if I even hear James yawn in the middle of the night I scoop him up and claim "he wouldn't go back to sleep" and put him in bed with me.  I love them.  Get it?

BUT I need time away from them too.

Being a SAHM is all I've ever wanted and I know I am whiny sometimes and joke that it's wine o'clock in the middle of the day but I truly think this is where I'm meant to be. I want to be the one raising my babies, shaping them into the little humans they are.  I want to wake up in the middle of the night and know that I can take my time rocking them back to sleep because I don't have to wake up early in the morning for work. I was a working mom and as hard as being a SAHM is, I think being a working mom was equally as exhausting.  I look back on my pre-SAHM days and wonder how I ever managed to do it all.  I'm home and most days, lately, I still feel like I'm drowning.

Now is one of those days.  I am staring at a playroom that looks like a tornado hit it.  Dirty baby bottles have been sitting in the sink since last night.  I have emails to respond to that date back to last week.  My laundry will never be caught up.  And right now I just want to be free of it all.  Or at least an all day babysitter so that I can catch up on it all.

Jimmy and I try to get a date night in every so often but not often enough, in my opinion.  Most of our weekends are spent with our friends who have kids and we all get together and the kids play and we "oooh and ahhh" over how freakin' adorable they are.  We like it that way and so do our kids.  I love that my babies are going to be close with the babies of the people I've been close with since kindergarten.

I've heard stories of women who have kids that are Kendall's age that have never left them with a sitter, never spent a night away from them and they like it that way.  I am not one of those people. I am the mom who feels that she is a better mom when she gets a little break.  Distance makes the heart grow fonder type of thing.  And it's true, whether we get a few hours or a whole night away we cannot wait to get them back home ASAP and the next day is usually an awesome love fest.

So where do you stand?  Do you crave a night away, like I do?  Or are you a mom who can't bare the thought?  How often do you get "me" time or a date night?

I can remember after Kendall was born the uneasy feeling I got every time I thought about going back to work.  It's true that when we got pregnant I knew that staying home with our baby wasn't an option but I think deep down I was wishing, hoping and praying that something would change to make it happen.

I read countless blog posts of other working moms who were able to quit work as soon as their bundle of joy arrived and I remember getting mad, angry, upset, but most of all jealous.  I swore if I read one more "I quit my job!" post I was going to scream.  Why couldn't I be so lucky?  All my life I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother and now I was finally getting my chance but it seemed like it was only part of the time.

I was lucky enough to have my mother-in-law offer to keep Kendall so I knew she was in good hands when she wasn't with me, but it wasn't the same.  It wasn't me spending most of her waking hours with her.  It wasn't me rocking her before her nap, teaching her how to crawl, taking her on her first trip to the zoo.  It wasn't me.

I used to listen to the Dr. Laura show while I was at work and day after day I'd hear her say how mother's didn't belong in the workplace, they should be at home raising their children, no matter what.  She, although a little outrageous in her views, had a point.  We, as mother's, bring them into this world, we should be the ones raising hem.  Now obviously circumstances don't always work in that favor and some mother's don't want to be a SAHM and, to me, that is fine too.  But I couldn't help but feel like she was talking to me, day after day.

When my former employer notified us over a year ago that they were moving, and therefore giving us the opportunity to voluntarily resign from our position or move with them, I thought "this may be my chance, even if it's short lived" but I never really thought it could be my reality.  I didn't think that we would be able to make it work, we struggled on two incomes, how on earth would we survive on one?  When I asked Jimmy for his input he never hesitated, "resign".  And so I did, and I never looked back.

Being a stay-at-home-mom doesn't just mean I get to wear comfy clothes every day.  It's only perk isn't the fact that I can go to Target during the week instead of the weekend with all the crazies {although that is a BIG perk}.  I didn't take this job for the love of daytime TV.  The pay certainly isn't worth it but it's so much more than that to me.  It's the opportunity to raise my child.  Raise her the way I want her to be, learn the things I think are important for her to learn and know that no matter what I am here for her, I am her mother.

It's such an amazing feeling when I see or hear or watch her do something so smart and think that I had something to do with it.  I doubt myself as a mother a lot but there is no denying the proof that is my brilliantly smart, almost 3-year-old.  I mean of course I had a hand in that intelligence, who else does she spend her days with, learning from, and modeling after?  It's all me and that's a great feeling.

Looking back I wished I had quit my job so much sooner.  Sure times have been tough, they still are, but money is just money and we make it work.  Some months we scrape by and we don't know how we do it but whenever the conversation of me getting another job comes up we quickly realize that it's not worth it, to us.

I am sad that I waited until Kendall was 18 months before deciding to be a SAHM.  If we would have made the decision sooner I can't help but think how much closer she and I would be today.  I think of all the things I missed out on while I was being miserable at work.  And then I think of how grateful I am for the time I have had with her and will have with her baby brother.

I have gotten several emails over the past year{ish} asking what Jimmy and I have done to "make it work" or if I have any tips for those wishing to be SAHMs but don't think they can financially.  My advice to them is that if you really want it to work, you make it work.  You cancel cable and watch Teen Mom 2 on the internet.  If you have credit cards out the wazoo you can consolidate. I just got our internet bill lowered by $20/month just by making a phone call.  Cut coupons, try direct sales {if that's your thing}, refinance if it's an option, these are all things that have worked for us and are why we are able to finally make my dream come true.  Because we wanted to and it was important to us.

First let's talk about "mom guilt".  I don't know the exact definition but it's basically when you {a mom} feel guilty doing something 1. for yourself, 2. without your child.  I think it's a pretty common thing that comes with having a child.  You are bound to feel like you should be devoting all of your time and energy to your child.  But, truth be told, I need some "me time" to be a good mom.

This weekend I'll be gone from Jimmy and Kendall for the longest time since she's been born and I don't feel slightly guilty about it.  I will leave Friday evening and come home sometime Sunday, if they're lucky.  {I'm going on a girls weekend trip with my two best friends, not Blissdom like the rest of The Blog World.}  The longest Jimmy has had to be alone with Kendall is a few hours, while I get my hair done, go to dinner with my friends, go on a blogger meet-up, etc.  I don't feel guilty taking this time to myself because I need it, I deserve it.  I will be a better mom when I come home because I took this "me time".

This past weekend was great but it came to a crashing halt on Sunday.  I was barely asleep for 30 minutes when Kendall woke up and was then up for 2 1/2 hours just whining "mommy, daddy" over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and, well, you get the picture.  I was so defeated, so tired, so frustrated I cried and said to Jimmy, "I cannot wait to go away this weekend" {but not in front of Kendall}.  I think it's safe to say I had reached my breaking point.

I am with her for all day, every day.  I get her up, feed her, bathe her, clothe her, play with her, keep her safe, take her on play dates, put her to bed, normal every day mom stuff.  I don't miss a minute.  I am her main source of entertainment from the time she wakes up until she lays her pretty head on her pillow at night. It is all me, all day.  Jimmy's work schedule is so screwy right now that he sees her for about an hour Monday-Thursday, an hour.  So during that hour he plays with her and is the good/fun guy and then she takes a nap and by the time she wakes up it's back to just mom, just me and my girl.

There is nowhere else I'd rather be than at home with my daughter and I am so thankful that life has lead us to this place in our life.  I cherish the moments like waking up slowly and randomly going to the playground, things I would miss if I were working BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't take it's toll on me.  It does.  I wish I could be one of those "every moment is wonderful" moms but the truth is, some moments suck ass and make me want to run for the hills.  This past Sunday night was one of those moments.

So, no, I do not feel the slightest bit guilty packing my bags this weekend.  In fact, it cannot come soon enough.  I can honestly say that I give my child my all, I don't miss a thing she does, I am always here for her and I think that is why I can comfortably leave this weekend with no guilt.  What I do worry about?  The disaster of a house I'm probably going to come home to.  If it's not one thing it's another but I'll gladly deal with the mess for 2 days of sleep and peace and quiet and I know only good can come from our time apart this weekend.

What about you?  Do you have mom guilt or has anyone made you feel as though you should feel guilty for taking some "me time" when you are nothing but excited about a few moments to yourself?

So here's the thing...the saying goes, "when life hands you lemons make lemonade".  Well that's all fine and dandy.  Lemons, I don't care for but they're tolerable and lemonade is just plain delicious.  What happens when life hands you a load of shit?  Shit sandwich?  That's what I thought.
That's exactly what I feel like right now.  As if a big load of cow dung has been unloaded on us.  You know how much that stinks?  Literally and figuratively.
I know that God will not give us more than we can handle but at this point I feel like He is testing our limits. And I know I shouldn't question God's plan because, after all, his plans are greater than what is happening in this minute of this day. I need to remember that and remember that, at the end of the day I have what I need.
Since Friday Chanel has seemed...off.  Just kinda lazy, not very active, just kinda blah.  I didn't think much of it till we went on 4 days of this behavior.  I had started to worry when I remembered that Kendall had accidentally "hugged" Chanel and by hugged I mean sat on.  Jimmy and I started to worry that maybe something inside of Chanel was damaged.  A broken rib?  Ruptured organ?  Broken tail? were all thoughts that crossed our minds.  Until Tuesday night.  I was laying on the couch with Chanel, watching our daily dose of Dexter when I noticed she seemed to be "leaking", if you will.  I flipped her over on her back to take a look at her lady bits and she was bleeding.  Everywhere.  Long story short she needed an emergency hysterectomy.  To the tune of $1,300.  $1,300 that we don't have.
Which brings me to complaint #2.  I can barely put food on the table, no seriously, let alone shell out $1,300 for a dog surgery.  Which leaves me with no choice but to charge it.  Seriously?  I'm charging my vet bill.  The interest rate is astronomical, the monthly payment will most likely be something outside of our non-existent budget and will swallow us alive.  I'm almost certain of it.  Just like every other bill that we have.
If you learn anything from this blog, learn this, credit cards are the devil.  They really are.  When I was young, single, and dumb I thought nothing of it.  I needed those Citizen jeans, Ugg boots, and Coach sunnies, obviously.  Never did I picture myself, almost 30-years-old with credit card debt that will still be lingering when my child enters high school.  Ridiculous.  Completely irresponsible.
I know what you are thinking, I should just go back to work.  Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind and the words have come out of my mouth more times than JLo's been married.  It seems easy, right?  But then there's Kendall.  Daycare is expensive, yo.  I will not find a job that will pay enough to cover daycare and then bring home anything.  It's true.  I'm contemplating doing a 3rd shift gig just so that Jimmy can be home with Kendall in the evenings.  The trade-off there is then Jimmy and I have no time together.  Selfish, yes but my marriage is important to me.
All the extra money from blogging and Avon was going to go towards a new bedroom set that we so desperately need but instead we got a notice from the government that one of us didn't have enough school district taxes taken out so now we owe $560.  Sweet.  Awesome.  That's just what we needed to hear.  Oh and we're still making up for that week of no-pay from when we were in Ocean Isle.
Oh and let's not forget about the fact that I want to have another baby.  I mean, am I crazy?  How on earth are we going to bring another baby into the world when we can barely take care of ourselves.  I hate that finances are making the decision of whether we expand our family, but it's true.  It's sad, it really is.
OK, I guess I'll stop my whining now and instead start wine-ing.  It's 5 o'clock somewhere.