Life After I "Dew"

Typically when people find out I'm an only child, they are shocked.  Not to toot my own horn but I guess I don't act like a typical only child.  I like to thank my parents for not raising me to be a complete douche.  Sure I got my "dream car" {VW Beetle} when I was 17 but it was not until I had been driving for a year {I shared a car with my mom for that first year} and when I did get it I had to pay for it, all $320.  I never went without anything.  A new pair of Nike's came out, I had them.  A surprise limo to take me to the junior prom?  Sure.  But I also had to get good grades {at least a 3.0 GPA}, I had an 11 o'clock curfew until I was 18.  Only then did it get bumped to midnight but only ONE night a week.  I was not allowed riding in the car with boys.  If my dad called I HAD to answer the phone- no ifs, ands or buts about it.  Absolutely no one was allowed in my parents house without them being home.  I mean I had rules, legit rules, more so than most of my friends.

I always feel a sense of pride when people tell me, "you don't seem like an only child".  I definitely take it as a compliment.  To me it means I don't act spoiled, I am not full of myself, I don't think the world revolves around me and I don't expect more than I deserve.  I think those are admirable qualities for anyone to possess so yeah, I am happy when people say I have those characteristics.

Except there's one trait of mine that is indicative of an only child.  I am selfish.

I'm mostly selfish with my time.  I crave "me time" which is something I used to avoid at all costs {hindsight is a bitch}.  If my kids wake up before I've had enough "me time" in the morning it pisses me off.  If my husband doesn't take the kids outside after dinner so I can clean up in the quiet, I'm annoyed.  If James doesn't nap on the days Kendall has school giving me that glorious two hours of "me time" my day is ruined.  These things don't happen very often {thank God} and for that I am grateful. I need this time to myself and I don't want anything screwing it up.

While I feel partly guilty for being selfish with my time I also think it's what makes me a better wife/mom/friend/person.  I know several moms who run their tanks on empty.  They are so busy putting everyone else first that they forget about themselves.  Some of them don't even know what day of the week/month anymore because their days are so full of everything work, kids, sports, church, family, etc and they don't even have a second to catch their breath let alone take some time to themselves.  Some people thrive on that type of lifestyle and it works for them but for me it does not.


I never want to be the family that is so busy we can't spend time with our friends.  I have no desire to have a jam packed schedule.  I don't want calendars to dictate our lives.  I want Jimmy to be able to take time for his hobbies and I want to be able to have some "me time" every once in a while.  I'm sure some people would call that selfish but I call it balance.

Just like I like to have my "me time" I know my kids and husband need time to themselves too.  Jimmy has lots of hobbies and I know that hunting, fishing, riding his RZR, and sometimes golfing make him happy.  I'm sure my kids get tired of looking at my face all day.  Kendall sometimes asks for quiet time and she'll say, "mom I really like that" on the rare occasion she does have it.  So we all need to be selfish with our time every once in a while.  I think it's completely normal and totally healthy.

My "me time" is mostly made up of catching up on the DVR, working out, browsing the web, reading my devotional and sometimes I'll even pick up a book to read.  I'm not doing brilliant things during this time but I'm doing things that make me happy.  Happy wife=happy life, right?  JUST KIDDING {kind of}.  Even though it might be mindless or a waste of time to some it's important to me and I do my darnedest to make sure it happens.

What about you? Are you selfish with your time too?

The other night I was holding James.  He was cooing at me, smiling with his whole face and bringing tears to my eyes, as he usually does at this level of cuteness. I am just in awe of this little man.  So in love.

If you've been a long time reader of this Hot Mess Express you know that after we had Kendall we were all "one and done" in the baby making department.  Not because of anything else other than the fact that we felt comfortable and complete as a family of three.  And then something hit me right around Kendall's 2nd birthday and I got The Fever.  We decided to have another baby.

The best decision I ever made.

Hold up, before you go getting all, "I can't believe she just said that!  What about Kendall?", let me explain.  When we got pregnant it wasn't really a decision, per se.  We were hot on the heels of our honeymoon and threw caution and birth control to the wind and BAM! we were pregnant.  We didn't give it much thought, just kinda said, "if it happens, it happens" and, well, 9 months later this beautiful girl made me a mama.
But James?  His conception was thought about and talked about and "timed" and was something we really knew we wanted to do before doing it.  If you know Jimmy and I we are very impulsive and don't usually give things too much thought which can sometimes be good, sometimes be bad.  So the fact that we talked and thought for months before was the longest we had ever contemplated anything.  And for good reason too, growing and raising a tiny human is no easy task and not one you do just because your fellow bloggers are doing it.

I posted a picture of us, as a family, on Instagram recently and one of the comments I got was, "I'm so glad you guys decided to have another baby." and it hit me, so am I.

He's just what this family needed.  I'm so thankful that we took the time to make our decision but at the same time, now that he's here, I'm wondering why we ever doubted adding another member to our family.  He makes us complete.  He makes us smile and he's made me see a whole, new side of Kendall that I never knew existed.  It's amazing.
He makes our family complete and our lives better.  I will forever love what adding him to our family has done for us, as a family.  He's the best decision I ever made.

The number one question I get when I tell people that we are TTC Baby Dew #2 is "why"?  As in, "I thought you were SO one-and-done, what made you change your mind?".  All the time.

I try to explain the change of heart the best way I can but the truth is there was not one defining moment where we were like, BOOM we want another!  It was more a combination of things and getting on the same page at the same time.

I don't mind the question, at all, because I know it's hard for me to believe that my once very only child mind is even thinking about adding another baby into the mix too.  But I'm ready and excited for our family to grow.  Like, really.

Truth is I have always been drawn to big families.  I love the hustle and bustle, the always having someone around, the love, the support, the chaos, I love it.  I've always loved going to Jimmy's families holiday parties because it's SO different from my family.  My immediate family consists of 9 people, 9, that is it.  So it's quite different but I love it.  I kept thinking how much I love all that comes with a big family, how could I not want that for my own family?

I also think about Kendall.  I can't say growing up an only child is terrible, it's not, I quite liked it, if I'm being honest.  I don't ever remember thinking or asking for a sibling and I like to think I turned out pretty good, not spoiled, not bratty {most days}.  But when I think about Kendall I want something different for her.  I see the love that Jimmy has for his brothers. My best friend has two girls, ages {almost} 4 and 6, and their relationship is so sweet.  I want that for Kendall.  I want her to have a built in friend.  Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that it's not all rainbows and puppy dogs between siblings {even though I'm an only child I know that there will be rough times}.

And, if I'm really being selfish honest, I miss a baby in the house.  I do.  I see all of my blog friends who have just recently had babies and I get jealous.  Not of the sleepless nights but of the squishy, new babyness of it all.  The new skin, the first grins, the love, oh the love, and I can't wait to have that, all of it, back in our house again.  Lately Jimmy's been sharing his desire for all that newness too and it totally makes my ovaries ache even more.

I read back through some of my old posts, where I talked about being an only child mom, and I just laugh because I never thought I'd be here, so ready to add another baby into the mix.  But in reading those posts I can read between the lines.  I was saying things like, "I was an only child and it's FINE" or "Kendall is enough" but there were also subtleties like the word "if" thrown in there a lot.  It was almost like I knew I wanted another baby but I was trying to convince myself out of it.  I think I was just scared.  Scared that I wouldn't be able to handle it, scared for Kendall, scared to deal with the hormones again {I'm a total B-word pregnant, ask Jimmy}, scared of what it would do to me and Jimmy, I was scared.

Now?  I'm ready.  We're ready. With each month that passes I am more certain of that.  Jimmy and I are stronger than ever and I know that adding a new member to our family will only strengthen it.  Each month {you know, all two of them since we've been TTC} we get excited that this may be our month and then disappointed when it's not.  We've been trying to get Kendall used to the idea of a baby.  She used to say, "no mommy!  no baby!" any time I'd hold a baby and now {thanks to her new baby cousin, Reese, and friend, Norah} she's slowly coming around and will even give them kisses on the forehead only.

While I'm not looking forward to being fat, uncomfortable, emotional, fat, tired, ugly, fat, I am looking forward to the familiar feelings like the first kicks, seeing the heartbeat and some unfamiliar excitement like preparing Kendall for her big sister role.  In this case, I think the good outweighs the bad.

So yeah, we're ready.  Baby Dew #2, don't make us wait much longer, mmkay?

Excuse me BabyCenter, Destination Maternity and The Bump but I, in fact, am not with child or preparing for baby #2.  Perhaps it's my fault for not unsubscribing once I had my first {and only} baby but I think it's rather bold, of all a fore mentioned sites, to assume that we are ready to be pregnant again.
Maybe it's because everyone is pregnant now.  I mean pretty much all of my blog friends that I was pregnant with the first time around are pregnant with baby #2 now.  I have many coworkers that are pregnant, two are due any day now, my BFF is expecting her first and Jimmy's cousin is expecting #2 this summer.  I am surrounded by The Pregnants.  I am so happy for each and everyone of them!  Truly cannot wait to follow their stories and watch their families grow.
My girlfriend recently brought her 3 & 5-year-old girls over for a "play date" with Miss Kendall Paige.  It was fun, exciting, playful, and CHAOTIC!  Those girls ran and played and laughed and my house was full of so much estrogen, it was great fun.  But then they got tired and whiny and started fighting and not sharing and then the party was o-v-e-r.  While I loved having them here and can't wait to do it again, my eyes were opened to what it would be like with more than one.
The thought has crossed my mind, yes it has.  Jimmy even said to me the other day, "IF we had another one, what would you want?".  We've even talked about how old we'd want KP to be if we did decide to expand our family.  So yeah, we have considered it.  IF we would have another I'd want Kendall to be much older, like 4 or 5 {aka out of diapers} but by then I'm sure we'll be all "do we really want to start over now?" And the answer is, who knows?
One thing I do know?  The thought of being exhaustedly pregnant while fighting a toddler to take a bath, showing said toddler my belly button 394,596,699 times a day, and picking up mashed vegetables from the floor sounds miserable.  More miserable than walking barefoot through the snow.  I commend all those moms out there that do this, you women ROCK my socks.  High five.  Fist bump. And "woo-hoo" to you!  You are braver than I.
So for now, we'll enjoy our only child and be hap-hap-happy for all you expectant moms!