Life After I "Dew"

Every year my Life As A Hunters Wife posts get more attention than anything else I write all year. Months after writing them I get comments from fellow hunters wives/girlfriends sharing their stories of being  hunting widow.  Some offer encouragement to others but most talk of the awful loneliness they feel from their significant other during hunting season.

I read each comment that comes through and some downright break my heart.  Stories of husbands not attending family functions, missing out on their child's milestones, choosing hunting over a date night, and the list goes on.  I think people get confused about my posts, and maybe that's my fault, but this is NOT the type of hunter my husband is.

Hunting is important to Jimmy the same as working out is important to me.  He loves it, he's good at it, he's passionate about it, and it brings him great joy.  However, he would NEVER miss out on family time to go hunting.  Not only would he never do it because he values family and friends above all else but I would never tolerate such selfishness.

I've learned a lot over the years of being a hunters wife.  I used to get angry and bitter and jealous.  I used to whine or roll my eyes anytime that he left the house before sunrise on a Saturday.  I remember crying on the couch one day when Jimmy got home from hunting and he asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even tell him.  I didn't know why I was crying but after a good heart-to-heart about it I realized it was jealousy.  I didn't have something of my own and I was jealous that Jimmy did.  He encouraged me to find something that I could pour myself into and be passionate about.

Now when he leaves to go hunting I kiss him and wish him good luck.  I pray for him to see a monster buck when he goes out.  The kids and I usually take that time to go visit my parents or have a doughnut breakfast date.  He's usually home by lunch time so then we do something together as a family.

I get lots of comments from friends and family members along the lines of, "I don't know how you do it! I wouldn't put up with that." It's really not a big deal and it's no different than husbands who golf every weekend over the summer or meet their buddies for a beer every Thursday after work.  It's not that big of a deal, honestly.  I think it sends a great message to the kids about patience and determination.  I could never hunt because I would sit out in the cold, on a tiny tree stand seat for one hour and if I didn't see anything I'd be done.  Nope, not for me.

Since I know a lot of "hunting widows" will stumble across this post at some point I want to offer you hope during hunting season.  Take this time to find something YOU really love.  Maybe it's a Soul Cycle class every Saturday morning or you learn a new hobby like crochet or meet a girlfriend for a coffee date.  If you have kids, make this time special where they get to do something with just you that they can look forward to.  Jimmy goes to South Dakota with his dad and brothers every year and that week I always let Kendall sleep in bed with me, something she really looks forward to.  And, above all else, communicate with your man!  Does he know how you feel?  Have you voiced your disapproval of him missing out on things that are important to you?

Hunting season doesn't have to be dreaded.  It can be a time for real growth both individually and as a couple.  Special memories can be made during this season.  If nothing else it can make you really appreciate the time you do spend together.  What's the saying?  Distance makes the heart grow fonder?  And, if nothing else, be thankful that hunting season is only a couple months long 😉.

Every year I write a post on what it's like to be married to an avid hunter. From deer to turkey to pheasants, you name it, Jimmy hunts it.  Normally my posts go something like, "wah wah he's gone all the time, wah wah I'm jealous of his hobby, but it's OK because it makes him happy" or something like that.  The comments I get range from, "right there with ya sister!" to "I don't know how you do it" to "me and my boyfriend/fiance/husband have almost broken up over hunting".  I love these posts because even months after they are published I still get comments which is unlike any other post I write.  I love being able to connect/commiserate with other hunters wives/girlfriends.

For the last 5-ish years Jimmy has been going to South Dakota to hunt pheasants with his dad and brothers  and every year I dread this week. It means 24/7 mom life.  There are no "daddy will be home in 4 hours!!" moments.  I have no one to talk to once the kids are all tucked in tight, sleeping like angels.  It gets boring and it gets lonely and, at times, scary.  I don't love this week each year but each year it comes (and we survive) and I know how important it is to Jimmy and his dad and brothers.

This year instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and counting down the days until my husband returned home, I decided to take a different approach.  I thought we could really use this time to make some really cool memories.  I want my kids to grow up looking forward to this time with mom because "we got to do x, y, and z" rather than, "man it sucks when dad is gone".

Luckily {I think} this years trip fell during Halloween weekend.  We were bummed but thankfully the kids got to trick-or-treat the night before Jimmy left so he didn't miss too much.  But we had a lot of things planned for the weekend which helped keep busy and keep our minds off "daddy" being gone. But even without all of the parties and more trick-or-treating, I wanted to make this weekend special.

First things first, we ate ice cream before dinner one night.  We made pizzas where the kids got to help with the toppings and that was a whole lot of messy fun.  We all stayed up a little bit later.  We ate popcorn and watched Inside Out.  Kendall got to sleep with me all week {I'm going to miss my little slumber party friend}.  We went to the park after school, ate McDonald's for dinner one night and had a super spooky Halloween breakfast by the glow of the pumpkins.  We trick-or-treated.  We visited grandparents.  We did a little shopping.  We played games, sang silly songs and had kitchen dance parties.  It's been a really fun week!  One I hope they'll remember for years to come.

When I first posted this optimistic approach to hunting season I was applauded for my positive outlook but I have to say, it's been a long, hard road to get to this place.  In the years past I've been very whiny and upset about all the hunting. I normally complain so much that Jimmy starts to feel guilty for going out.  But the truth of the matter is this is something I knew about when I married him.  As a matter of fact, when I first met Jimmy his friends said to me, "you know we don't see Jimmy between October and January, right?"  So I knew what I was getting into when I took my vows.  This is a hobby he is passionate about and very good at and it only lasts a couple months a year.  He's gone for a few hours on the weekend and really it's no different from guys who golf or go to football games. He doesn't really do much outside of hunting.  He doesn't have guy nights.  So really, it could be worse.

With all of that said, I cannot wait for my husband to walk through that door in a few hours. It's been a long week and I am ready to have some adult conversation and some defense in the tot department.  We've had a lot of fun and started some new traditions that I hope will last for years to come.  But nothing beats our time together, as a family of four.

Are there any other hunters wives out there?  How do you deal with the season?  Do you dread it or make the most of it?  I love hearing everyone's thoughts on this topic!

I swear, in the fall, I could rename this blog Life As A Hunters Wife.  Every year I have a love/hate relationship with the fall.  I love the much welcomed cooler temps after a hot, hot summer, cozy fall clothes, yummy fall drinks and all the beautiful changing colors.  It's really probably my favorite time of year and a time where I am thankful I live in a place that has four seasons.  The crisp air is good for my soul, until winter comes roaring in what seems like days later.

But with the changing seasons comes hunting season.  Oh yes, I've blogged about this before.

Hunting is my husbands greatest passion.  I don't "get it" but he's explained it to me numerous times.  He feels closer to God.  He reflects on life, thinks about our family, collects his thoughts, and feels at peace.  He feels at peace sitting in the freezing cold, in a tree, four hours.  This is his happy place.

I knew this about him when I met him and while I don't get it I respect that it makes him happy.  A lot of women tell me that they couldn't do it.  They would be livid if their husband left them for his hobby as much as Jimmy, a hunter, leaves me/us.  And while I'm not saying it's easy, because some days I want to scream if he asks me "Hun, do you care if I go hunting today?" but I do try to respect his love for the sport.

I get antsy, angry, grumpy, and irritable this time of year.  You might remember my meltdown on the eve of Jimmy's 28th birthday last year.  This time of year is tough for me.  To me it's a time to be snuggling up with family and drinking warm cider by the fireside.  To my husband it means getting up before the sun and climbing a tree. I get resentful.  I start acting like a crazy person, taking it out on anyone who crosses my path.  And it all boils down to one thing, jealousy.

I am jealous.  Jealous that he has a hobby, something he loves to do and pours every ounce of his being into. I am jealous OF the hobby because it takes my husband away from me.  I hate that I don't have something, other than blogging, that I love even half as much as he loves hunting.  And who's fault is that?  Mine and mine alone.

The truth is, I don't know what I'd rather spend my time doing.  I love being with my family, that's it.  Does that count as a hobby?  Probably not.  But if I had it my way we'd all be together all of the time doing fun, family things.  In an ideal world.  And then I remember that I like time away from them too.

So, I need a hobby besides being a mom.  Does working out count?  Perhaps I should join a gym.  I have yet to feel a calling towards something and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm lame. Feel free to send me suggestions.

Also, where are all my other hunters wives?  Perhaps we should start a support group for each other every fall.  Or at least a Facebook page where we can all be hunting widows together.  What do you think?

• We see him more on the week days than we do on the weekends.  He hunts morning and evenings so even during the afternoon hours he's gone because it doesn't make sense for him to drive all the way home just to turn around and drive all the way back out to the place he hunts.  So yeah, while most people can't wait for the weekends, we can't wait for the weekdays.
• And, seeing as we don't have any weekends free till Lord knows when, we make plans for December or later.  The chances are high that he'll get at least one deer before then so we take hunting a little less seriously after that.  Once December rolls around we're pretty safe to make plans to, you know, see friends and DO things normal people do.
• I have found myself defending hunting and explaining it's benefits to those less privy to the sport.  I mean in all honesty, the deer here {and I'm sure other places} are overpopulated.  And it's not like he just does it for the thrill, we use that meat all year long.  And don't turn your nose up at it unless you've tried it, it's really not bad.  So see, he's just like a regular ole caveman hunting to bring food home to the family.
• Jimmy's birthday is coming up, as in it's THIS Sunday.  When I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday he declined any and all festivities because they would interfere with his hunting. 
• I've actually considered buying Kendall some sort of "my daddy hunts" tee off of Etsy.  I mean they're kinda cute, right?

Well Jimmy would get a KICK out of one of them, I'm sure.
But no matter how used to hunting season I get there are still some things that rattle my brain.  For example I cannot wrap my head around...
• Shed hunting.  It's when you go "hunting" for the antlers that the deer shed in the spring.   I mean I don't really see why it's called "hunting".  The antlers don't move, you don't have to shoot them, and it doesn't matter if your loud or in camo.  So really it's more like shed hide-and-go-seek.
• Waking up at the ass-crack of dawn.  I mean maybe it's just because I've been woken up before the sun more times than I care to count, but there is NO WAY my butt would be out of bed at 4 am if it weren't for a little lady in the next room.  No way.
• And I would NEVER sit, in a tree, in below freezing weather.  This is my husband's idea of a good time, he thinks and reflects on the days past or something like that.  No way.  I hate the cold.  My idea of a good time is staying nice and warm INDOORS.
• Tactics to lure the deer in aka dousing oneself in fake deer urine.  Yes you read that right.  And I have asked Jimmy if this is the type of activity that he partakes in and he has informed me that he has, on occasion, showered in doe urine.  I can't make this up.
• The after.  I mean once you shoot the deer you have to do what you need to do, right?  I don't want to go into details but let's just say the first step involves removing the member {if it's a male}and THAT is something that I'm thankful there are other people to do because I could NEVER.