Life After I "Dew"

This post was written April 26 2016.

To be honest, I don't want to hear the "but you said you were one and done" comments.  I know what I said before I was a mom and I apologize.  Yes, I planned on only having one baby and then 2 years later my mind changed.  Then again, after James was born, I swore he was our last.  I even wrote a letter to myself reminding myself how awful and miserable I am when I'm pregnant to ensure it would never happen again.  But guess what?  You never know how your heart is going to change.  You grow up.  You learn a lot through motherhood and, dammit, sometimes you change your mind.

With that being said, I don't think our family is done growing.

There, I said it.

For the past few months it's been heavy on my heart.  I go back and forth over the idea, Jimmy too.  Some days we think the idea of a 3rd Dew drop sounds blissful while other days we think we've got it pretty good with the two we've got.  It is something, however, that is always on our mind and that we talk about regularly.

We've officially started trying last week, on a whim.  It was one of those "stop over-thinking it" and just see what happens type of things so now we wait.  Honestly I feel like I could be pregnant as I type this but, alas, we have the dreaded Two Week Wait.  I literally cannot believe I am even typing these words.

The thought of a third baby scares the shit out of me, truth be told.  Some days I don't feel like I'm a good enough mom to the two we already have so why on earth would we add another to the mix?  We will officially be outnumbered {assuming we do have another}.  Two kids will end up sharing a bedroom.  We have no more baby gear except a handful of toys and an expired infant car seat.  What are we thinking?

I've been feeling like our family isn't complete for quite a few months, actually.  I would venture to say I've had "baby fever" for a year or more at this point but I've let fear get the best of me.  Our friends recently had their 4th and whenever we are together with them {which is a lot} Jimmy holds the baby and looks at me with puppy dog eyes, "can we have another".  If that doesn't give a girl The Fever, I don't know what will.  The same is true for him.  He has wavered just as much as I have but recently he's really clung to the idea of another family member.

Jimmy comes from a big family, he's one of four boys, whereas I am an only child with a relatively small extended family.  I feel as though I am well adjusted, not a brat, and not spoiled so I think I turned out OK despite not having siblings. As I grow older, however, I have really learned the value of a big family.  I watch shows like Parenthood and This Is Us and see these siblings who lean on each other and have these incredible, albeit challenging, relationships.  I watch my husband have the same sort of connections with his brothers.  I see all of my extended in-law family and how fun {and funny} they are and I love spending the holidays with them.  I see the bond my own kids have and all of this makes my heart swell.  I am ready for one more.

The first two pregnancies happened pretty fast once we started trying and, while I was uncomfortable and crabby towards the end, I had pretty easy pregnancies as well.  I am approaching 35 {aka advanced maternal age} so that does leave me a little worried that this time won't happen as quickly.  I know that this is already mapped out for us and it's truly in God's hands so I rest knowing that whatever happens is what is meant to be.  I would be honored to love on another Dew baby, if we are so fortunate.  I think my big kids would love welcoming a little brother or sister and I know my husband would be the most excited.

Here's to the next chapter...

I remember the moment I first started to notice Kendall's baby-ness going away.  I remember, vividly, rocking her in her glider {now James's glider} and noticing the tiny creases slowly filling in on her wrists.  Her knuckles no longer resembled dimples.  Her sweet little pot-belly looking more lean.  I soaked that last bit of baby-ness up like a sponge to water.

It actually feels like that moment was just seconds ago but, sadly, it's been about two years.

Two years and now it's James's turn and it's happening.  All of the sudden I looked at him and it was like, "whoa, he's a little boy".  He loses his baby face each day.  One of my favorite features on him is his teeth {weird} and his whole life you really haven't been able to see them thanks to his chubby cheeks. Now that his face is maturing and thinning out you can see his teeth a little more now.  Once he got a big boy haircut I pretty much said goodbye to any bit of baby looks he had left.  What is it about a haircut?

The older he gets the more independent he's becoming {as is true with most kids}.  He doesn't like to be rocked to sleep anymore, a milestone I always dread.  Except today was different. He wasn't convinced that he was tired {thanks to big sister barging into his room with a cupcake in her hand} but he almost fell asleep on the way home from church so a nap was in order.  This time he let me rock him.  He laid his big boy head right on my shoulder and wrapped his arms and legs around me so tight as to say, "please don't let me go, mommy".  I jumped at the chance to rock my baby and as I did I felt the baby-ness once more.

Although his little body is so long and heavy.  Even though it takes both of my arms, under his butt, to hold him.  In that moment he was still my baby and he needed me.  He snuggled right into my chest and tucked his little arms underneath the weight of his body and he was still.  I felt his skin, still so baby soft.  I rubbed his back and sniffed his head {which doesn't smell like a baby anymore}.

Pretty soon I won't see even the slightest trace of baby left in him.  Sooner or later he's going to be all boy, even more so than he already is.  I have such a love/hate relationship with this stage.  I love watching them become the little people they are destined to be.  I hate saying good-bye to my babies.
Tonight I think I'll study him extra hard.  Notice all his fine lines, his dimples, his creases.  I might give him a bath and lather him with baby lotion, the same lotion I used when he was just months old.  Would that be weird?

"The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.  So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.  I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep."

Remember when Kendall was born Jimmy and I decided we were "one and done"? We were happy with our little family of three and had no intentions on expanding.  Kendall was a breeze baby. She was happy, slept pretty good, ate well, very content and everyone who was around her loved her {still true today}. It wasn't that we were traumatized after having her or couldn't handle it we just felt complete at the time and it remained that way for about two years.

Just before Kendall turned two Jimmy and I started to get The Fever.  Up until that point one of us would be ready while the other wasn't and vice versa.  Around August 2012 we started trying for baby #2. It was a surreal feeling, thinking of adding another member to our family, but we were both excited as could be.  That's how you know it's the right decision, if you ask me.

Fast forward two and a half years.  James is the opposite of his big sister in all ways.  He's been a little more challenging, more dangerous, and more demanding since he was around four months old.  He scared me.  I thought, "Maybe it's reflux?  Maybe he has a food allergy? Maybe it's an ear infection? It's probably from teething." and so on.  I could not pin point what was making my baby such a crab.  He slept great, that was his only selling point other than that he was difficult.  Now that he's older he's much more pleasant to be around, he's silly, he still sleeps great, and he makes me laugh and makes my heart beat a little faster every day.

Now we're at the point where we were when Kendall was his age.  Do we want another?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  We get people who say, "oh have a third!" and at the same time we get people who tell us, "three is chaos".  The truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter what any of those people say.  It doesn't matter how Kendall feels about becoming a big sister again {she doesn't want to, BTW}.  Heck it doesn't even matter what Jimmy and I want, to a point.

This is up to Him.  Just as it was the first two times I got pregnant.  With Kendall it took no time to conceive and with James it took a few months of trying.  We got pregnant the very month we were avoiding for crying out loud.  If that's not God's work, I don't know what is.

And then there's the comment, "Going to go from one and done to 3?!!!"  And I get it...it's super confusing. I did proclaim we were going to be "one and done" all over the internet.  But the only way I can describe it is that our hearts have grown.  We have matured.  Becoming a family of four has been the coolest, most challenging yet most rewarding thing we've ever done.  There are hard/long days.  There are days when the thought  of three makes me want to run for the hills. And then there are days when I miss having a baby around.  James will be in school next August and then what?  I have no babies at home two days a week and the thought of that is WEIRD! It also sounds glorious too. 

The fact of the matter is, I don't know.  I know we would never regret having another baby, how could you?  But I also know that the days of having "older" kids is nice too.  So yeah, I said we were "one and done" but now I'm saying, "who knows".  Only time will tell and I know, either way, we will be happy.

Right after I had Kendall I made a list of my favorite baby things because I always find those types of posts to be super helpful for first time moms.  Heck it works for 2nd, 3rd, 4th time moms too because in just a few short months/years baby stuff changes and gets better, as I realized this time around, and we need to know what the latest and greatest is.  Duh.  Also? The Babies R Us and Buy Buy Baby registry recommendations are INSANE.  No one needs 16 swaddle/receiving blankets.  No one.  Unless you have quints or something.

I still use and love everything from my last list.  My boppy is the best, I use the pockets every time.  I store the remote, my phone, a bib, the bottle, a burp cloth, etc in that handy little tool box of a pillow.  I know the Ergo is the latest and greatest in baby wearing but I still stand by my Moby.  I just like how comfy it is and sure it's a lot of material but I really have no problems wrapping it.  And I'm sticking with my Born Free bottles.  I bought some Dr. Browns for Mr. James and OMG what do you people see in them?  Every single one of mine leaks, all six.  No thank you.

BUT this time around I realized "Whoa!  A lot of new, cool stuff has come out in just three short years!" and all the other bloggers and pinners have shown me some new {or not so much} things that I just new I had to try this time.  So this is my list of things we are loving so far.
1.  aden + anais.  OK so I'm pretty sure a + a was around when Kendall was born but there was no way I was spending THAT on a swaddle blanket.  And then my BFF had a baby and she used the swaddles and I was in love!  They're breathable which is totally awesome for summer babies. They're huge so they have tons of uses.  And they come in super cute but not too babyish designs.  We have the swaddle blankets {but only 3 of them}, the Dream Blanket {super huge, thicker version of the swaddles} and the burpy bibs {it's a burp cloth that has a snap so you can also use it as a bib} and we love them all.  LOVE.

2. Burt's Bees Baby Bee Shampoo & Wash.  So I've always used Johnson & Johnson for everything, baby wash, shampoo, lotions, you name it.  But then I started thinking, "meh that's boring" and wanted to branch out of the Proctor and Gamble bubble.  So I heard lots of good things about Mustela and Burt's Bees baby wash.  WELL Mustela is hella expensive and outside of this one income budget, even if it did smell heavenly.  Burt's Bees is slightly less expensive but smells just as yummy.  Seriously I could eat James up after a bath.  Now if only I could get KP to let me bathe her in it but "it's for babies...".

3. Fisher Price Rock n' Play Sleeper.  Again, this was out when Kendall was born but we just used the ole Pack n' Play for a hot second until she just slept in her swing for  four months.  I heard so many great things about the RNP and I was determined to use one with James.  Thankfully Jimmy's cousin handed one down to us and the thing has been a dream.  It's super light-weight so you can move it from room to room with ease.  I like that it's on a slight incline because nothing freaks me out more than when a baby spits up and they're laying flat on their backs.  James sleeps like a dream in it. So much so that I'm a little nervous of moving him to the crib.

4.  Sprout Baby. This app is the bees knees.  I hear so many moms on IG talking about the best baby tracking apps and I've yet to see any of them mention this one.  Fools.  I love it.  It's so easy to use, I track all of James's feedings with it and it gives a nice little chart of his eating pattern.  There's also a section to keep track of milestones, doctor appointments, growth tracker etc.  Once we're on a more regular schedule I plan on using the sleep tracker because I love the feeding one so much.  Jimmy jokes because I should know when he ate last but I've got serious mom brain and rely on the app to tell me.

5.  Kiddopotamus SwaddleMe.  I am a big fan of swaddling.  Both of my babies slept/sleep so much better when they're all wrapped up like a burrito.  But James can wiggle his chubby little arms right out of a swaddle blanket, no matter how tight I wrap him.  These things?  There's no way he's getting out.  They're really really soft, super stretchy and idiot proof, even someone who "can't swaddle" can swaddle with these.  I swear he chills out the minute I burrito him.

6. just hatched- Cuddle My Baby Cream Talc.  Someone got this at my sprinkle for James and I had never heard of this brand but when I opened it and took a whiff I was SOLD.  This stuff smells so good.  So good.  I instantly Googled it and was fully expecting it to be like half a million dollars but I was pleasantly surprised to see it's less than $5 price tag.  I haven't smelled their shampoos and washes yet but as soon as I run out of Burt's Bees I plan on getting some.    

7.  Brica Day & Night Musical Mirror.  So I have to admit, I was a little embarrassed to put this "fancy" baby mirror on my registry and when no one bought it I went out and bought myself the cheap version {no light, no remote}.  Jimmy's grandpa surprised us with this one and I took the cheap one back with a quickness.  So you might think it's a little silly to have a baby mirror with a remote and I'm here to tell you to hear me out.  This thing has been a dream.  Driving at night and the baby loses his pacifier?  No problem, remote the light on, husband turns around and finds it super quick everyone is happy.  Also the music is way less baby/annoying than anything else I've seen/heard.  If that's not a win I don't know what is.