May 21, 2012

Maybe, Baby?

You guys aren't going to believe this but Jimmy and I have actually had The 2nd Baby conversation on more than one occasion lately.  It usually goes a little something like this:
Jimmy: "I mean maybe I want another one?"
Me: "SAY WHAT!?"
Jimmy: "Well I mean look how cute she is!  And if we had another I'd want another girl."
Me:  "You know it doesn't work that way."
End of conversation.
Sometimes it goes like this:
Me: "I mean it would be nice for Kendall to have a sibling."
Jimmy: "Yeah, the best gift you can give a child is a brother or sister."
Me:  "I'm not having another baby JUST so Kendall has a play mate.  But it would be nice when they're like 3 and 5".
End of conversation.
You see, one of us is always on the fence when the other isn't. Always.  We are never both in the same boat at the same time.  He wants one when I don't an vice versa.  So I think it's safe to say while we tread these waters we just abstain.  
Truth be told, this once self-proclaimed "only child mama" does have days where the thought of a squishy new baby just might be what this family needs.  I think, yeah, we could do this, totally!  How cute it'd be to do The Baby #2 Announcement and smell that sweet newborn skin again.  Yeah it does sound amazing, at times.  I think how I always said that IF we had another I'd want to be a SAHM and, well, I am now so...
But then I think about us.  I'm finally at a place where I feel comfortable.  I feel like I have a grasp on this mommy thing, most days anyway.  Kendall is getting so smart and she craves learning, like whoa.  We have a good rhythm going on and I finally feel like I'm getting little bits and pieces of myself back.  I'm making time for me and starting to come into my own where I feel like yes, this is where I am meant to be. Life feels good right now.
Dude the first year of motherhood is brutal.  It's like the highest of highs and lowest of lows all mixed in one giant Kitchen Aid mixer and plopped out on a shit sandwich.  I have never felt so many emotions in one year as I have this past year and now the dust is settling.  Kendall needs me now more than ever and the thought of taking that away from her? Well you may as well rip my right arm off because it's about the same.  
Obviously people do it, every single day.  I have plenty of friends with 2 and 3 kids that prove it can be done and done well.  I see the bonds their kids have and I get a little weepy knowing Kendall won't know that bond, just like I don't.  I even asked Jimmy one day, "what's it like to have a brother?" and he said, "it's the coolest." and for that second in time I thought, "well shit, I've missed out".   But truth be told, I haven't missed out.  
Sure I'll never officially be an aunt, I'll never be the Maid of Honor in my sisters wedding and I didn't have a big brother to stick up for me when I got my heart broken in high school but I never missed out on love.  I was surrounded by love, and still am, every single day.  I had amazing friends and cousins I was close to that were like sisters.  The best part of those kinds of sisters is when you get sick of each other you can just go home!
Lately we've been getting The Baby #2 Question, a lot.  "She needs a brother or sister!" "You HAVE to have one more."  Ummm...says who?
Look I can barely scrape together money to give us a much deserved bedroom makeover and you want me to throw another nursery, formula and diapers into the mix?  Mama wants a bed frame and some bedding that doesn't have puppy paw prints covering it.  I have needs people.



  1. You're not alone in the "let's have anither debate!" My husband got a vasectomy and I STILL get the urge for another ;) We have 3 and for some reason I feel like we should have had another, but that would not have been thre responsible thing to do. You'll figure it out and the outcome will be what it's supposed to be, BUT no matter what that need for a squishy baby never goes away...I have 3 and still get it!

  2. You're not alone in the "let's have anither debate!" My husband got a vasectomy and I STILL get the urge for another ;) We have 3 and for some reason I feel like we should have had another, but that would not have been thre responsible thing to do. You'll figure it out and the outcome will be what it's supposed to be, BUT no matter what that need for a squishy baby never goes away...I have 3 and still get it!

  3. You have to do what you guys want. You don't HAVE to have more than one kid. I always only wanted 2 girls, and that is what I have, but for J I would have another and after seeing him as a little boy. Oh my word, I want a little boy just like him. Ha!

  4. So glad you wrote this, I've been feeling the same things lately. Well, similar. I know we'll have more children eventually, but I'm just not feeling right now! We're just past the one year mark by a few months and I feel so much more at home in my role as a mom of one, and the thought of throwing that off scares me!

  5. Girl, you don't HAVE to do anything! Those people won't be at your house changing dirty diapers and doing midnight feedings :)

    I will say that what I've noticed among friends and family is that after the initial newborn fog wears off, it's actually a lot easier for mama because there's an older kid to entertain and BE entertained by their sibling. Kitty and KP need us a lot righ tnow because we're all they have. AND THAT'S OK! But on the days I have my 5 yr old nephew, 22 month old daughter and 1 year old niece? Those days are SO much easier than the days it's just me & Kitty. The kids all keep each other occupied and the oldest is always VERY happy to boss the others around :)

    I don't know. I think if you DID end up having another, you wouldn't regret it. I certainly don't hold it against my mom that she gave me a little brother! He's been my best friend all my life :) But if one and done is your heart? Buy that bed!!!

    (we still don't have one, either ;)

  6. Couldn't have said ti better myself my love!

  7. I know exactly how you feel! I am always on the fence about wanting another! I love it being just the three of us. I have always wanted to be an "only child mama" and I see all of these pregnant mamas and I get a glimpse of baby craze. But do I really want another one? I'm not totally sure at this point.

  8. You do what you think is right for your family. If you guys are a one and done, then that's your thing!! I'm pretty sure that's going to be the route that Andy and I take as well. It's just tough. I always see little newborns and get that feeling in my uterus...but then snap back to reality and remember that I have a pretty independent toddler that sleeps through the night, feeds herself, can be really content playing with herself if needbe....and if I had a newborn, say buy buy to sleep and all that money that I'm not spending on formula and other newborn needs, right now. Yea, not happenin'!

  9. This is EXACTLY how I feel put into words! Some days when Mackenzie is acting too old I think, I'd love a new tiny baby, but then she throws a fit and I say no thank you. The hubby is at least still on the no side of the fence and we haven't had a conversation yet. And now that Mackenzie is about to be one, I'm starting to get me back and force the time for myself that I have lost this year. I too don't want to lose that or take myself away from Mackenzie.
    And why do people have to always ask, when are you having another one?!?! I dread hanging out with the grandparents because they have forgotten how hard it was/is and instead ask non stop, when are you getting pregnant??
    Enjoy your time!! If a second is meant to be, they can be a few years apart.

  10. I think your discussions will probably always go this way, just because just like there was never a "right" time for KP to make her debut, there won't be a perfect time if/when Baby #2 appears. You guys need to do what feels right to YOU...ignore all the other people. There are plenty of kids who grow up just fine without siblings.

    I mean, I'm a perfect example of the opposite effect of siblings. I have a sister and we are not close at all, and never have been. My mom always wanted that closeness between us but we are just way too different. If you can't be friends first, it's hard to be sisters.

    Bottom line - do what is best for you, and if that's just Kendall for now? No big deal :)

  11. Your family will be perfect no matter what the future holds. I get it though - we don't question the "if" - its the "when" that gets us all in knots. It'll never be easy - but so worth the ride!

  12. Oh girl, I get this.

    Before we got pregnant with G, I wasn't sure that we would have another. B was sure...that we WOULDN'T have another. But then, when L was 2 1/2 we started trying. Our boys are 3 and 1/2 years apart and it's perfect for us.

    B is going to get a vasectomy soon and there's a teeny part of me that wants to go through it one more time. But it's so tiny that when my mydays app shows that I'm ovulating this week, I tell him not to touch me. TMI? ;)

    You don't need to make the decision now. Enjoy the new bedroom and see what happens.

  13. I say go for it! I have three sisters and two of them are really close in age. We fought a lot when we were younger but now we're all in college and I'm so thankful for them. It's amazing to have siblings, you always have someone to go to. It's not just about having someone to play with.

  14. You do what's best for you not what everyone else wants!

  15. As much as my brothers irritated the shit out of me growing up I'm glad I got to experience having siblings and even though this whole motherhood thing is HARD I know I want Hunter to have a little brother or sister too. My husband however is on the "one and done" train right now b/c he got his little boy but hopefully in maybe 2 to 3 years I can get him on the baby bandwagon again.

  16. Shannon,
    I REALLY appreciate you saying that you didn't miss out being an only child. We are "one and done" for a variety of reasons, but I do feel twinges of regret from time to time that my daughter won't have certain experiences like you talked about.

    The thing I try to remember about these decisions is that your child will never know differently. Also, I think parents have more to do with how happy and successful a child is than the existence (or not) of siblings. (Siblings can just be a bonus)

  17. I totally get where you're coming from. I always said "Two, maybe three, but let's see how the first one goes." After Liv, I really didn't know if I wanted any more kids. Avery wasn't exactly in the plans, but as they say, I can't imagine my life without her.

    Siblings are nice, but then again, so is the joy of being able to focus every ounce of energy into one happy little sweetheart.

    KP won't miss anything - she won't know life any different - with or without that Big Sister t-shirt is her closet.


  18. I like what Ginger said about KP not knowing the difference. If you give her a sibling that is what she will know and love, and if you don't, then that's what she will know and love!

    You guys will know what the right decision is when the time comes, but I will say in my opinion it would be a shame for you guys not to have another, considering how adorable KP is :)

  19. I was totally on the fence up until right about when Lizzy turned 2. I wanted to want to have another, but I *didn't* actually want to, if that makes any sense.

    Then right before the time she turned two, we started talking about it seriously...and then it got taken off the table completely and not of our own choosing during the skin cancer thing. And now, obviously, I'm pregnant. I guess it wasn't until it was totally off the table that I realized 'yeah, I do want that actually.'

    But the point is, don't rush yourselves. Just play it by ear. That baby fever might pop up out of no where one day, and it might not...either way, listen to your gut!

  20. We discuss this a LOT too. But for right now and the time being until we get all our student loan debt paid off it will be just Connor...and if it's just him I'm cool with that. We can give him a great life and he has like 10 cousins. T and I have life goals as well and my high anxiety cannot handle another kid...unless things change it will just be ONE. but you never each their own and don't let anyone else ever pressure you into something you aren't ready for.

  21. notttt gonna lie--this post was confusing, lol. On one hand, it sounds like you DO want another baby, but you are trying to convince yourself out of it at the end. LOL. I think that's normal. COMPLETELY. Which just means you aren't ready NOW. And there are lots of people who have babies more spread out than others and that's A-OKAY. In fact. I kind of like it that way--and will for sure have a much larger gap b/t baby 2 and 3 (if that happens). But I DO have to attest that having siblings is the best thing ever. My sister is my lifeline. My best friend. There is NOTHING like the bond of that. Even my husband doesn't GET US--at all. But it's true. And my brothers, too. I absolutely adore them. Honestly--I think you guys will have another baby one day. Not now, and that's okay--but just the fact you're having these itty bitty convo's tells me that you kinda, sorta want it. And that's okay. Also--I think that baby 2's first year will be WAY less stressful than with KP. You are experienced now, remember? :)

    Either way--do what feels right. In due time. xo

  22. We were set in stone that in May-June of this year (hello, right now), we would start trying for baby #2. I was EXCITED...counting down the days, practically...and now that it's here, I'm re-thinking. Yes, I can't wait to be pregnant again. Yes, I miss the baby stage. But it's moreso about Ethan...I'm in that "but...but...will he get enough attention?" stage.

    I think we always have our doubts on big decisions like this...there are the things that make you say YES! Let's do it! and there are the things that make you second-guess. The good news have time. :) As for the people who keep asking...if you think of a way to shut them up, you tell me. :)

  23. Oh goodness, it is so hard to decide on what we want sometimes isn't it?! To be honest, from what you wrote about loving that you're finally feeling like you can breathe and the dust is settling...I remember that feeling too. It happened just in the months before Simon was born, and then -BAM- more dust everywhere and craziness and hecticness. For me, I was a little afraid if we didn't go for it and have another one right away I may be too scared to go through pregnancy/labor/newborn stage again in several years because it is HARD. Now, obviously Simon was way more than worth all of the hard work, but that doesn't mean I won't be honest and not tell you it's hard work. I do feel now (he's almost 10 months) that I have a good bit of "me" back in place and have a grasp on things. I'll be anxious to see how things play out for you guys. :)

  24. I'm going to tell you a little story.

    I have an older brother who is 5 years older than me. When I came along my parents were in their mid-30's, both moving up in their jobs. (and yes, I was "made" to because in case anything happened to my parents, my brother wouldn't be alone) Because my parents waited so long to a)have kid #1 and b)have kid #2 (me) they were done by 35. Now? my parents are 53 and both have said they wished they had a third.

    I don't want you and Jimmy to look back on life and think "I wish we had another" or "I wish KP had a built in friend" or "so sweet that the little boy baby protects KP'.

    I know things are great now but don't regret anything down the road! (sorry for the novel)

  25. To sum up how I feel about this post: Ditto, sister!

    I am a self proclaim only child Momma and there IS NOTHING that will change that!

  26. It's a personal thing, of course. Every couple has to do what's right for them. But for me, I loved having sisters so much that I couldn't imagine my little girl not having a sibling to grow up with. So two or three was always the plan for me and my husband.

  27. Before Eva, Evan and I were always in that limbo where one of us wanted a baby and the other wasn't ready .. it was a good thing for us at the time, because it helped us stay away from trying for a baby before it was the right time. BUT, then we got a surprise and it was the best thing ever. Maybe the same will happen to you for #2 :)

    Like I said on twitter, I think it's so normal to have these confusing, conflicting feelings. But, no matter what, in the end, your family is perfect no matter how many kids, how many boys, how many girls etc. God will see to it that your family is just right.

  28. I love how brutally honest you are. I'm going to be 28 in June and I'm still on that fence of if I ever want a baby. Sometimes I think of that'd be a great thing and wonderful and then I'm like dear god, can I handle that?!?!

  29. I know I'm only expecting my first, but I don't know how we'll both be about discussing a second one But I say go for it!! :) Kendall is adorable! Make another beautiful little one! :)