July 25, 2013

Not Sappy, Not Yet

The other day my friend Cheryl {who is also pregnant with #2} asked me how I was holding up as my days with Kendall, as an only child, are numbered.  She admitted that when she thinks about her only son becoming a big brother it makes her emotional and she cries.  I don't.  I have yet to feel that feeling that everyone talks about.

Am I a bad mom?  Does it mean I don't love my child{ren}?  Am I emotionally unavailable?  Maybe I'm just cold-hearted?

I've been waiting for the day that I feel "it".  The "OMG we are having another baby and my baby won't be my baby anymore and OMG what are we doing!?" feeling.  I've heard my friends tell stories of rocking their first born with their giant, nine-month pregnant belly, and sobbing at the thought of what was about to happen.  I've read countless blog posts that document the final days of only child-ness and the overwhelming feeling of guilt, "will I be able to love another person as much as I love this one?".

Since the day I found out we were expecting Baby Dew #2 I have waited to feel this way.  I can even remember trying to force myself to have these emotions and then thinking, "nope still not there, still not crying" and wondering if maybe I just don't have it in me. Is that weird?

Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of meltdowns but it's usually over the fact that the house is a mess or because Jimmy went hunting {again}.

I think of James Weston joining our family and all I see is love, joy, happiness, our family will be complete.  I know that our love is going to grow and our family is going to be that much better with him in it.  I know that he will know nothing but love, especially from his big sister.  I think about our days and while I know they aren't going to be easy, by any means, I think they will be better.

I also don't really think about things that are too far in the future too much.  I think it's a gift, really.  I don't think about the fact that I'm going to be a mombie {mom-zombie} again because of the sleepless nights.  I don't think about the fact that my nipples are going to be on fire if breast-feeding goes well.  I don't think about the expensive diapers that it seems like we just got rid of.  I would much rather deal with those things when they come because they're inevitable and no amount of worrying about them will change that.  Ignorance is bliss, right?

I've come to realize, I'm not a bad mom and I'm not void of emotion I am just ready for our family to be complete and I know that James Weston is going to do just that upon arrival.  I look forward to the day that my babies will meet each other and Kendall will finally witness the moment we've been talking to her about for the past 9 months.  I think THAT will make me cry.

13 comments:

  1. Good! I did feel guilty, but then my first two were 18 months apart, so my oldest was still a baby when her brother was born. But you are giving Kendall the best gift in the world, nothing to feel guilty about :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never got emotional about my "baby" not being the baby anymore. I so beyond excited to give him a baby brother and he was excited too. I did cry when they meet though because suddenly my 3yr old baby was SO BIG!

    Good luck, Shannon. Wishing you and your family all the best.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't think there's anything wrong with that! I definitely had those initial feelings of "how could another kid be as cool as my first kid???"--but that disappeared. Honestly, my hardest few moments were the first few days home. I just felt sad because I MISSED going out and doing whatever I wanted with Em and I felt sad for her that I couldn't just do that at the spur of the moment anymore. It was the weirdest thing, it literally had me sobbing, non-stop for days--I sort of just grieved the "just her and I" thing. BUT. I think a lot of that was hormones, too. It became our new normal and that was fine. The two of them meeting WILL BE the best moment ever. So definitely, DEFINITELY you should be overwhelmingly excited for that (as you are!)--because it will be HEART!BOOMING! fo' sho.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think everyone responds to things differently. I had a panic attack a week before Boomer was born because I literally could not deal with the though of her being here in the real world. Crazy? A little, but that was my reality. I think its great that you see this as a completion to your family unit rather than a loss for Kendall!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't know how I will respond. I think it will be something similar to what Katie described. I also remember sort of mourning my "old life" pre-baby when Annie was born, because I realized just how different things would be. But I guess we all adjust and move on.

    Oh, and your nipples shouldn't be on fire if breastfeeding is going well. Yes, it stings when they latch for a bit, but I never had the bloody cracked nipples that I hear about. I also was religious about using lansinoh multiple times a day, so maybe that helped. Hoping you have the same experience!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I felt like you! I wasn't sad or upset when I knew my days left alone with Jr. were coming to an end. I was excited. Everyone reacts differently. I think it's just fine how your responding : )

    ReplyDelete
  7. I didn't cry until I was in labor and my mom came to pick up Haldey and my baby left. Oh my gosh....she's not going to be my baby anymore. It only lasted about two minutes until the next contraction came. Also, I was much less of a zombie the second time around. I don't know why but both my husband and I agreed that it seemed easier.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I didn't cry until I was in labor and my mom came to pick up Haldey and my baby left. Oh my gosh....she's not going to be my baby anymore. It only lasted about two minutes until the next contraction came. Also, I was much less of a zombie the second time around. I don't know why but both my husband and I agreed that it seemed easier.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i agree! i think the precious bonding that you see forming between kendall and james will bring double the emotions!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I remember trying to almost force special moments with Ethan before Jackson arrived because I just thought we were going turn his world upside down and that for some reason I'd be a bad mom if we didn't a have a few special last days together. Our special days have been sharing Jackson. He is soooo into his little brother. Honestly, it was the best gift we could have ever given him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I had a similar thought tonight but in regards to something different. I'm unfortunately one of those people who stress easily and not laid back..oh how I wish I was. So my guilty feelings came when I just had enough of being mom tonight and wanted to be alone. I started to question being a good mom and that I should want to be with my daughter all the time..BTW she's in the trouble 2's so in other words we all feel guilty but we are also great mothers and normal. Accept who you are..I need to:)

    ReplyDelete
  12. That's such a great perspective to have! Even though we're no where near having another child, I often find myself thinking about the idea of having another baby to love besides Ari. And it already breaks my heart! So much so that I wonder if we shouldn't even have another! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think everyone is different! So excited for you that you are thisclose to your family being all together!

    ReplyDelete