Life After I "Dew"

Let's take a look at the definition of the word patient.

I wish that word described me.  As a wife, mother, friend, daughter, I wish I were less annoyed and more tolerable than I am. I wish I were one of those people who "rolled with the punches" who didn't get bent out of shape when things didn't go as I visioned them or as I'm used to them.  What's even more ironic?  Kendall is just like me.

She likes everything just so and if something is out of place {tangibly or otherwise} she fa-reaks out about it. And then I get frustrated, lose my patience when the reality of the situation is she is just mimicking what she sees.  What she knows.  Jimmy pointed this out to me recently, talk about an eye-opener.

It pains me to think that this is the example I am setting for my child{ren}.  I lose my temper so often {it seems} and so quickly and that is starting to rub off on my sweet, innocent, three year old and OMG is she turning into me?

One minute I am telling her, "Kendall you have to be patient." but my actions speak louder than words when I lose my cool over something {usually} trivial.  I make excuses for my behavior, "I'm the boss!" and I can justify my intolerance, "I just need to get x, y, z done!" but then I don't afford her the same.  I expect that she will be patient because she's three and all three-year-olds are patient, right?  I expect her to control her emotions.  I expect her to listen to me when I tell her to do something without keeping in mind that she is.just.three.

But what's my excuse?  I'm thirty and I do know better.  I do know what patience is and I do know how to control my emotions and yet I don't.  

Kendall's recently started playing with her dolls and ponies in the way in which they "interact" with each other.  I've overheard their "conversations" and I have heard her say things that I've said to her.  "NO, YOU'RE FRUSTRATING!" or "Why are you being so difficult?!"  Both phrases that I've uttered to her one too many times because I'm not taking the time to be patient with her.  Total slap in the face moment.

And then a few weekends ago I was with my group of friends and I heard my friend say something to her
daughter that I've said to Kendall many times. She was frustrated, as we all are when in the throes of toddlerhood, and she was trying to make a point, trying to get her daughter to understand what she was trying to teach her.  In that moment, I heard the words I had said so many times and all of the sudden it sounded so degrading.

"Don't be a baby!"

Funny how it takes hearing it from someone else to make you realize how awful you sound.

I've said this too many times to count because I get frustrated and impatient and I just want her to "get it".  The only thing she's "getting" in that moment is that I don't have enough patience to actually teach her a valuable lesson.  Instead of taking the time to explain to her x, y, or z I just lash out and say hurtful things.  It's heartbreaking.

She deserves more.

Part of this process is applying patience to all areas of my life but I'm starting with her.  She's impressionable, she's learning the behavior that I'm displaying and it's starting to show.  I have often thought about her acting this way or saying these things when she's at school or when I'm not around and then I think of the reactions that would generate.  That is not the image I want anyone, especially my sweet daughter, to have of me.

The good news is it's not too late.  Yes I've said things and acted unfavorably out of my lack of patience but it's not too late to turn things around.  If you have been struggling in this area it's not too late for you either.  We can take a deep breath, count to four, and calm, calm down. {Ni Hao, Kai Lan anyone?}