January 9, 2014

My Greatest Fear

What is your biggest fear?  Heights?  Snakes?  Small spaces?  Clowns?

Mine is dying.

I'm sure that's a lot of people's answers and for very good reason.  I am terrified of dying.

I've even thought about if I would want to know when, where, how I would die and no I don't want to know how it would all play out.  I do think, sometimes, about it and for some reason I always feel like I'm going to die in a car accident. I don't know why, just always been something that has been in the back of my mind.

Is this post morbid or what?  Sorry.

I think about the people who I'd leave behind and that's the part that freaks my freak.  Will it happen while my parents are alive?  The thought of them having to bury their only child makes me sick to my stomach.  No parent should ever lose a child.  Then I think about my babies.  How old will they be?  Will they know how much I love them?  Will they remember me?  And Jimmy. Would he remarry?  How would he handle being a single father?

I clearly think about this too much.

I wish I could be one of those, "but I'll be home, with my heavenly Father" and get some sort of peace from that but I don't.  Maybe I'm selfish or maybe I just don't have enough faith. Honestly, minus the whole sucking blood thing, I don't think being a vampire sounds too bad. I'd love to live forever {so long as I was in peak physical condition when I became immortal- joking.  Kind of.}.

I haven't had to deal with anyone very close to me dying, thankfully.  My grandpa {dad's dad} died when I was much too young to process but other than that, my immediate family is still living.  I am very blessed that my children have met their great-grandparents and are very close with them as well. I think about the day when one of them passes and I cannot even go there.  Whenever I hear Wind Beneath My Wings it makes me feel like my grandma is dying and I will instantly start crying.  No idea why, it's just always been that way, for as long as I can remember.

It's weird, I know.

I know that life is short and we need to live each day to it's fullest, without regrets, always tell our loved ones how we feel, never go to bed angry, all of those things make sense and I only wish I lived my life that way.  I know that if something were to happen to me tonight I would not be happy with the way I left this world, as a person.  So maybe this is my reality check to shape up and become the person I want to be.

Whoa, things just got deep.

So what is your greatest fear and is it something you think about often?

16 comments:

  1. I'm fine with dying. I am one of those "I'll be home with my heavenly Father" types LOL But....the idea of burying my child cripples me. I am not yet a mother and this is playing into decision to have children. The thought that I could have someone more than I love anyone else that I currently love (which is a lot) and then they could die. I just don't think I could stand it. I know this fear comes from losing my boyfriend in high school and watching his family deal with it. I also lost my aunt in her 40s in an accident and I watched what it did to my grandparents. They declined in health so much after she died. Actually, thinking about anyone else close to me dying makes my heart physically hurt. The only problem I have with my dying is what it would do to my mom and my sister. I don't want bury anyone else but I don't want anyone to have to bury me either. It's a catch 22. haha I know that we cannot keep everyone forever but I sure wish we could.

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  2. Nailed it. That's mine too, always has been. I lost my brother when I was 14 so I got an early dose of death...but since he had always been sick, it took me a while longer to realize that not just old sick people die, and then...well, I just compartmentalize it or else it would just paralyze me. Reality DOES sink in. I cried when my grandparents died, but when my father passed 4 years ago...it changed me in ways I can not explain.

    Anyway, I'm not sure what brought you down this path today, but, you're not alone.

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  3. I too worry about myself dying and how I will leave this world and my loved ones. however I worr much more about my girls being taken from me (one that isnt even here yet) or my husband dying first. I dont know that I am a strong enough wife or mother to cope with that. I have watched a fair share of mothers in my community lose their kids, young and old, this past year and it makes me so sick. how do they do it? how do they find the power to live their life each day? it blows my mind. I pray that I am never in that situation, but if I am, I will have to dig down deep to continue on. and being a fire wife, my heart stops every time I hear his pager go off bc he risks his life for other every day. and what if he doesnt come home? what if the car door I hear after an hour or two isnt his, its a deputy and the fire chief? those situations make me sick to stomach just to think about.

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  4. I'm the same way, that's also my biggest fear. I worry about what it would do the people who love me most. Also, the thought of something happening to my son. I can't even stand the thought of that without feeling sick to my stomach.

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  5. I'm ok with the idea of myself dying... it's the fear of my husband or children dying while I am still alive that I am afraid of. I've read on many blogs and know people in person whose husbands have passed away and I can't bare that thought. I have this on my mind a lot and stay in fear of this happening. When I read about a child being sick with cancer I get panicky and start thinking the worst. I know that is morbid, but I honestly don't think I can function without my husband or kids.

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  6. I dont know...I'm kind of ok with death as long as it's peaceful. I guess my greatest fear is dying badly. I'm always negotiating with God, like...I'd rather not drown Lord...or be in pain...so if I could just float off in my sleep..or it be really quick. I know it's silly. I haven't given a lot of thought to it outside of the things I can control though. Like where my money goes, and who would care for Boomer. I think I'm more afraid of losing Mom. We've come close so many times, but I'm no fool. She's getting older, and she has A LOT of health issues...That's mine. I try not to think about it much :)

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  7. For years I was terrified that I was going to die in a drive by shooting. I HATED being the first car at a red light. So weird. Gaga is a wedding planner and funeral planner (is there even such a thing?). I guess I've known a lot of people to pass away. P.S. I think the world would be happy with that you've left behind

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  8. Um, do you live in my mind? Every single thing you said is EXACTLY how I feel. Dying scares the hell out of me. I don't want to die. I am scared to die. I am scared of the unknown when you die. I'm scared of how I'll die. UGH! WHY DO WE HAVE TO DIE!?!?!?! MY all time greatest fear ever is driving off a bridge, in the winter time, smashing through the ice, my car sinking, I get out of the car but cannot find my way out from under the ice...morbid? yes...why do I think of this stuff!?

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  9. The thought of dying terrifies me. I too think about what would happen to my husband and children if anything happened to me. A few years back I had a bad smear test result and had to have surgery.. Three months later I was meant to go back for a follow up Smear and it took me three years to work up the courage to go.. I just didn't want to hear potential bad news about my health and have to think about 'what if.'

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  10. Dying is a big one, but also snakes and rats. Like mice even. They TERRIFY me!

    Not that you DO follow my blog, but if you did (Stewart Street) then you will need to refollow. Google screwed up my renewal and it basically became impossible for me to keep www.stewartstreetblog.com without purchasing for $69....so my new blog address is lifeaccordingtotrista.com and you can follow on Bloglovin here. http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/11553579.

    Happy Almost Friday!

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  11. I pray that your faith grows. I remember in college when I was very involved in church people being so excited about heaven and saying I can't get excited about heaven. My mentor at the time said you are young. Once you are married and have children maybe you'll understand. Now that I have Chase I do feel like I could leave. Even more with the twins that the boys will have each other. I like it here and want to be here for a long long time but a vampire? If everyone I love has died and gone to heaven I think I would long to be with them. I used to get anxiety about dying about not being here anymore but that's when I turn to God.

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  12. I have the same fears. Word for word. I have anxiety about it so badly at times. I don't worry about going to my heavenly father later in life it's the now that scares me. I don't want to picture my children grieving or my daughter not having me around to see her get married or have her first born. I think it's normal for us to have these fears right now.

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  13. You took the words right outta my mouth. I posted this on facebook the other day. Maybe because we're getting older and we have children who depend on us. The unknown scares me. I'm not super religious and yes I know what the bible says but how do you really know. Its like one day you're hear then poof you're gone. Will anyone miss me? I think about it too much!

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  14. OMG don't talk about dying. I can't even think about that. And I need to hang out with you a few more times in person before that happens, so yeah.

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  15. you can start by not texting a driving !! I know you want to smack me but it makes me crazy. NOTHING is so important that you should be messing with your phone in the car. My fear is losing you so when I see you post crap from the car, I die a little each time. I love you.

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  16. besides anything happening to isaiah or crue, my greatest fear is getting in a car accident. i am TERRIFIED of that. i think death used to be high on the list and i was always wondering how id handle the day i lost my grandpa, but that happened when i was pregnant with C so i kind of feel adjusted now? or something. i do wonder the same things that cross your mind though, so you are not alone!

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