February 3, 2015

It's Not What I Expected...

As a little girl I dreamed of being a mom.  I played "house" longer than any of my friends.  My favorite movies were ones with babies in them {Three Men and a Baby, Baby Boom}.  I wanted to hold any and all babies at family functions.  I would look through the JCP catalog-baby section and pick out my baby and then go through all the clothes and gear and chose which ones I would pick for said baby.  I was a bit obsessed.

After Jimmy and I got married, like on the plane ride home from our honeymoon, I wanted to be pregnant.  Most people like to be married for a week before getting knocked up but I secretly hoped it had happened in Mexico.  My husband even said to me, "let's wait a little bit, once we're parents we're always going to be parents, let's be husband and wife for a while".

I remember sobbing when he told me that.  In that moment he may as well have said, "I DON'T EVER WANT KIDS EVER WITH YOU EVER!!!", because that's how I took it.

Go ahead and call me crazy. I would agree with you.

I had all these thoughts and feelings about motherhood.  What I had seen in movies and magazines, fake portrayals of the hardest job in world, made it all look so fun and easy.  Certainly I would be the same way when I became a mother.  Obviously I would greet my children with a smile and open arms when they woke up every day.  I would definitely keep up on house work with minimal complaints.  Dinner would be hot n' ready by 5 o'clock and the children would go to bed {and sleep all night} with no complaints.  Right?


This "job" is nothing like I had imagined and maybe that's because I'm not the mother I had imagined I would be.

I lose my temper.  I say things that I would DIE if I heard other parents say to their kids.  I am preoccupied.  I don't serve the healthiest meals.  I am selfish.  I don't play enough.  I want more "me time".  I complain too much.  The list goes on.

I wanted nothing more than to be at mom, a stay-at-home-mom, and here I am, with two insanely gorgeous children and I can even fulfill my role. I let them down day after day.  And before you say I'm being too hard on myself, trust me when I say I'm not.

Call it cabin fever, call it selfish, call it what you will but I am not always the best mom I can be.

There, I said it.

I don't always make them my number one priority.  I tell them, "just give me 5 minutes" multiple times throughout the day. I'm constantly distracted.  And very rarely do they get all of me.  It seems as though I'm always in a bad mood or always irritated and there's only one person to blame for that.


They are just children. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they certainly didn't ask to be made second best by the person who brought them in.  They just want me, all of me. They want to follow me to the bathroom, to the kitchen while I'm cooking, just because they want to be with me.  Today I was cleaning up one of the 492 messes and I said, "SEE!  THIS is what I'm talking about!" Meaning, "THIS is what drives me crazy!" And Jimmy just started singing that, "you're gonna miss this" song...you know the one.

And while I can honestly say I do not think I will ever miss cleaning up the same thing I already cleaned 3, 4, 5 times that day, I will miss this stage of life.  The stage where they want to be with me 24/7. Everything they do they include me.  They think I'm the coolest person in their world.  It won't be like that for long.  And, if you think about it, it's kinda cool to be number one right now.

I'm the only one who can make boo-boos feel better.  I'm the only one who can find "Blankie" when she's missing.  I am the one they run to when they cry.  I make the best pancakes.  I tuck them in every night.  I have kitchen dance parties with them, every day.  ME. Jimmy if I'm not around but for the most part they want me. And that's pretty cool because one day that won't be the case.

One day they are going to say, "I hate you!" and slam their door in my face.  One day they will be embarrassed to be seen in public with me.  One day the last person they'll want to be in the same room with will be me.   One day some other girl will be number one in James's life and as much as I want him to find happiness in a wife I will be sad when I'm replaced.  I will miss these days.

My kids are the most important people in my life.  I have been feeling "in limbo" lately, what's next,  and it's giving me the itch to do something drastic.  Like move out of state.  I know that it will probably never happen and I know that it would be extremely hard for me to leave our families but I also know that as long as I have them, my babies, and my baby daddy that is where "home" is.

I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say this gig is not what I expected.  It's not what I had dreamed of since I was a little girl.  I wasn't prepared for it.  If you are a mom, you get it.

Thankful for grace and a chance to start new tomorrow.  


  1. I feela girl. I think that my friend said it the best " you are in the thick of it, it gets better." Preschooler and toddler together is hard, at least I feel that way. I think wanting to be a better Mom is never a bad thing. I also hold tight to the knowledge that everyday I be better. Have a good tomorrow.

  2. So true. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I think other moms have it all together, and it's nice to know that some days the bad outweighs the good and they make mistakes too and they regret things they say, attitudes they have, etc. God uses these moments to show us His grace can get us through any situation, and that we have to rely on Him for strength because we fail constantly. Set aside just an hour (or even a half hour) to be totally present with them daily. No phone, no tv, no computer, no nothing but playing with them and giving them all your attention. I also take comfort in the fact that (hopefully) they forget some things I say and things I do. Make yourself a list of some realistic goals and steps you can take to achieve them. And on days you screw up, start new the next. One foot in front of the other.

  3. What an honest, thoughtful post. I tell myself that the dishes or the laundry can wait but find myself distracted when I'm supposed to be spending time with my kiddos- on the list of the things that need done. When my almost two year old has been waking up 1,2, more times a night recently, I have to remember that this is just a stage and like you, think that pretty soon- they won't want me and I won't be their go-to person.

  4. I love your honesty! I am not the mom I imagined either. I never thought I would be working full time and raising a family. I too don't make the time for my boys like I should. It's a struggle to find me time and not feel/look/appear selfish about it. What I dreamed or expected my future to look like doesn't always appear in my reality. I quit living by my expectations and started taking it a day at a time.

  5. Amazing post! I love your honesty and its totally ok to admit to all of those things, because you know what? All of the other moms out there are doing the same things but few of them would ever admit it, they just maintain the perfect facade. You're doing great and you know what, they don't care about those little things, the little times when you aren't perfect or yell at them or keep it together.

  6. Amen. Thank you for writing this post. I feel the EXACT same way. It's a tough balance too, because I know these days are so fleeting, and I want to enjoy them. At the same time I know that one day they will leave the house and start their own lives, and I don't want to have forgotten who I am as a person. So I try my best to be a "good mom" most of the times, but also if I am working on my book or heading out to the gym, I am trying not to feel guilty. We need to remember to be our own selves as well. It's a tough balance!

  7. You are always so honest and I love that. I am sure you are harder on yourself than you realize. I mean hello you do have dance parties! and that def doesnt happen in all of the houses! (I want to move somewhere warm adn sunny year round as well - hopefully one day sooner than later). Cheers to it being Feb one month closer to spring, I hope!

  8. Thanks for writing this very honest post!! I know a lot of moms (including myself) feel this same way but may not have the courage to say it out loud. Its so hard to find that "perfect" balance. I have mom guilt ALL.THE.TIME.

  9. Thanks for this. I have tears streaming down my face as I read this bc it could be me writing it. We need spring now!