October 11, 2011

If I Knew Then...

OK so I've thought about this post for quite some time now but it never seems "right".  I feel like this post is going to be taken the wrong way, make me look like a bad mom, but I'm diving in head first.
If I would have known we'd get pregnant within the first month of "trying" I would have waited.
There I said it.
I was on birth control for like 11 years, yep a long time.  So naturally when I went off it they say "oh it could take up to 12 months for you to get pregnant".  So like any newlywed with baby fever I thought we should start trying RIGHT NOW!  And so we did.  And then the next month we were pregnant, like that.
Obviously we were {and still are} estactic, over the moon, giddy about it.  We had created life together and there is nothing, NOTHING cooler than that.  And so we prepared for the birth of beautiful baby girl.
And then came the sleepless nights.  The crying.  The no more husband wife time.  The ability to go to the bathroom alone.  The ease of going to the grocery store.  All those things are either WAY harder or completely out the window now.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my mom life for a million dollars, maybe 2 million {just kidding}.  I love seeing her sleepy little face every morning and watching her grow into this amazing little person.  I love being a mommy, honestly.  Being a mom is what I was put on this earth to do.
I just wish, sometimes, that we would have waited just a little longer.  Jimmy wanted to. He wanted more time to be us.  More alone time.  More time to go on dates, vacations, SLEEP.  I told him he was CRAZY cakes and we NEEDED a baby NOW!  Now I think I'm the crazy cakes.
You see I miss time with Jimmy, just he and I.  Where we could pick up and go to dinner and a movie and maybe grab a drink afterward.  We could go on a car trip without the toddler who HATES the car.  We could relax after work and just do our own thing. 
I knew all of this would change when we became parents but I didn't realize how much I would crave the time I took for granted with my husband.  I really thought life would pretty much be the same, just with another person added in the mix.  How wrong I was.
I feel like now that we have Kendall we neglect our husband and wife relationship and focus on our mom and dad roles.  So often do we get to 8 o'clock before we talk about anything besides Kendall.  I miss our silly converstions about nothing and everything.  I miss just being with him, together.  I think that's the thing I miss the most about pre-Kendall life.
I guess maybe we just need to find a balance now.  Now that Kendall is a little older and doesn't recquire SO much from us maybe we can focus more on our relationship.  Maybe we can schedule one date night a month to just get out and reconnect as husband and wife.  Maybe after we put Kendall down at night we should turn off our phones & computers and just be together. 
So I guess I'm going to open this up to you guys.  What are some ways you stay husband and wife?  How do you put that relationship to the front burner along with being mom and dad?  Obviously people do this every day and I know we can get there too, we just need a lil push. 

ps.  don't forget to ask me ANYthing
pps.  don't forget about this adorable giveaway
ppps.  don't forget my bloggerversary giveaway

33 comments:

  1. Thank you for being honest! Date nights help. Cuddling on the couch after baby is in bed helps. Now she's older you could even do a night or a few away.

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  2. You are not alone. When we have children, we all lose some of ourselves and your life becomes your child's. You are no longer "Shannon", but Kendall's mom. Just always make time for Jimmy and yourself, it's important. Never hesitate to ask us to watch my goo. I can't wait till she can sleep with me in a real bed.

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  3. i love how open you are! honestly i have been married for four years and i am scared to have a baby because i don't want to lose that husband/wife relationship. we enjoy doing random date nights or going out of town whenever we want. and i love coming home from work and being able to do whatever i want to do...hopefully though this will change and i will want a baby. hopefully.

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  4. Having children is definately hard on any relationship. You absolutely need to make "dates" once a month. Even if you have K sleep at g-ma's and you and J stay home to just do nothing. At least it's at home, comfy, together time! I also made a point after I would put the boys to bed to just lay on the couch and watch tv. We would cuddle on the the couch, share a snack, and just enjoy being next to each other. It's vital to your marriage to have husband/wife time!! Good luck. It's hard, but worth all the effort.

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  5. Every Friday night is DATE NIGHT for us. The kids get pizza and we get takeout so there's no time spent cooking and cleaning. After the kids go to bed we watch whatever show we're currently obsessed with on Netflix, then we have our adult time, ahem.

    Todd and I were together eight years before we had our first, and we'll be together for MANY more after they're out of the house - and I don't want to wake up and be married to a stranger some day ;) This totally works for us!

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  6. I struggle with the same thing! I just wrote a post on my bloggie- about the same- my husband and I just had our first date night in over a year- and honestly it was great! We needed that chance to reconnect and not have to stress at all! It's hard to find the time but when you do it's great to relax and be exactly what you said "your pre-baby self" :)

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  7. We waited four years before having kids and finding that balance is something we still struggle with after 18 years of marriage. You are not alone...just keep working on finding the time. Reading your post reminded me how much I miss that "couple" time, too!

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  8. I know exactly how you feel! Baby J was a surprise and while we were so blessed not to have to go through IVF like the doctors thought, some days I wish we would've had more time just the two of us.

    I try to make sure we have a date night at least once every two weeks (even if it's a day date). But we are both pretty bad about not putting the computers down and talking. But each night before bed we make sure to snuggle and have a tradition of telling each other one reason we love the other.

    You've just got to find what works best for y'all!

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  9. i think just about every parent/couple feels this way -- i know i/we do! we had a whirlwind romance too -- moved in quickly and i was pregnant four months later. so yeah -- very fast! but it does get better. our daughter is almost 2 1/2 and it's already easier than a year ago. she is more content & less needy & we feel less guilty leaving her with grammy for a few hours so we can go and be cyn & brian for a bit!

    make date nights...
    make cuddle time...
    make time for yourselves -- it will make you better parents in the long run!

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  10. Obvi I'm not married, but Brian and I from day one have always put the kids to bed and then we would have time together. That's why an early bedtime is key, because let's face it we are getting old and are really busy and I go to bed early. Once the kids are in bed, we either sit outside by the fire, sit outside and watch the sprinkler system (yes I know lame, but it's really relaxing and it's the two of us), or we cuddle on the couch and watch TV. Your mom is amazing, and would be willing to watch her once a month or even twice a month! Go out!! Don't lose husband and wife, you guys will be much better parents in the long run if you make time for each other also. Plus a very good example for Kendall.

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  11. You took the words right out of my mouth. I have been feeling exactly what you are feeling for some time now. I miss my husband! Recently I have started spending every evening with my husband after G goes to bed. I try to stay off the computer and sit and watch the football or baseball game he is watching with him. I also try and do little small things for him that I know he appreciates. I am just trying to find that spark and put it back in our relationship since lately it seems like we are mom and dad more than husband and wife. This is gettng long....sorry. I say more date nights and maybe even a weekend away!

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  12. I know this feeling all too well. I assume it's normal and that most people find it tough to juggle. I'm looking forward to hearing what others recommend, because we could all use a little help.

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  13. I think we all feel like a lot of the times. It is a hard transition and I definitely miss being able to just go out just the two of us whenever we want. Now we do pretty much the same as everyone else is saying.. Kaylee goes to bed by 8 and then we either cuddle on the couch and watch some tv or sit on the deck and just chat a little before bed. It works for us and makes us feel like we still get some us time.

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  14. We got pregnant on our honeymoon too! It makes life so exciting, but we struggle with these same issues. We wouldn't trade it, but it is so hard. We are going to try and schedule a date night as well. Does this effect your decision on when you want to have another kid? I always said I wanted my kids to be 2 1/2 years apart, but that was before I knew we wouldn't get years together without kids.
    Thank you for your honesty!

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  15. I can totally relate to this!! Our son was 18 months when we got married so we never really got to enjoy the newlywed phase like most couples do. The only thing that we really do is date nights...we may only get out of the house for a couple of hours but the little one usually stays all night with grandma & grandpa so even when we get home we can still enjoy some quiet time.

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  16. I love reading your blog, you are inspiration for my weightloss goals! I feel your pain on the "baby vs. marriage" struggle. My marriage did not survive the baby, we divorced when she was 7. We did not spend enough time working on our marriage and the financial strain a baby puts on you was something we weren't prepared for. We now are great friends and my daughter is almost 14 and still the center of the universe for us both. Hang in there..and absolutely make dates and weekend getaways. You have to have them for your sanity and to keep the fires burning

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  17. That doesn't make you a bad mom! It's hard to go from a life of freedom to do whatever we want to a life of always having to put someone else first :)

    Honestly, if I'd known it would take us so long to get pregnant, we would have started sooner...so, I guess the good news is that it's ultimately God who makes these decisions, not us, or we wouldn't have our baby girls!

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  18. My mother-in-law keeps my kids over night about once a month or so, and that is so nice to just be able to talk to each other without being interrupted! We have a few shows we watch together after the kids are in bed. And every once in awhile we get out, just the 2 of us - but not often enough! It's a challenge, but #1 - you will get used to the new way of "normal", #2 - things will get a little easier as she gets older, and #3 - don't become complacent! Always make together time a priority, even if it's watching a movie together or playing cards after little girl bed time (because sometimes actually going out is impossible!). Good luck, you're not alone but remember things will get better with time.

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  19. I wish we lived closer, I would totally come over and babysit KP all the time so you and J could go out.

    The way I think, everything happens for a reason :)

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  20. I could have written this post... word for word.

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  21. Thank you for your words. I struggle with timing of life decisions. Your openness and sincerity are inspiring and comforting. Your words are appreciated more than you may know.

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  22. The best part about your blog? You are so stinkin' honest and it makes your mommy blogging SO appealing. I get so tired of hearing about everyone's picture perfect lives... it's not realistic.

    Okay, now that I got that off my chest.

    I have been married and divorced.
    We got married because I was pregnant (and we thought we were in love) and we went on to have two more children after the first. Besides MANY other issues the one I had a huge problem with was losing myself to my children.

    They were my everything, but I think in the midst of things - I lost track of my relationship with my husband (again for other reasons also) but it is so easy to let them completely consume you.

    Date night is SO important.
    I think turning the phone and computer off (even for a few solid hours) in the evening is SO important.
    It's keeping connected.
    Keeping interested in what's going on in the others life.
    And also having a life, hobbies, things you like to do outside of just your little girl.
    It seems almost impossible to juggle all of these things, but I think that at the end of the day - the kids move out and we are left with our spouse. If you don't nurture it now... well we all know the story there.

    Anyway, sorry for going on and on. I loved this post! Love how real you are! And you are definitely not alone!!

    xo

    @amkisses

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  23. 1st.. I love you, I love you. (I mean that in the best possible, non-creepy way) I'm interested to know what you would want to be doing IF you hadn't be blessed with mommy hood. Fashion perhaps?

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  24. My hubby and I have been married for over 5 years and are still childless. We go through stages where we want one and don't. We both love children and want them so bad but I think we are also afraid of the unknown and losing that time we have together. You're a rockstar girl!

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  25. Girl I totally feel ya on this one.... its so true... and we waited 3 years.. so we finally decided making a once a week date night our priority... usually its wednesday night to carrabas for wine night... other times its just the two of us at target and starbucks... but it REALLY helps.

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  26. So we too decided to wait. We plan on trying a few months after the 2 year mark. We both agreed before we got married that we wanted to wait 2-3 years because we'd heard from so many that it really is nice to learn each other as a "couple" before "parents". As wonderful as parenthood is, you have to remember that you committed to each other first. So make time. Date nights are a must. Once a month is a bit low. Remember that one of the best gifts you can give Kendall is parents who love each other, put effort into each other and are staying together because they still know each other!

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  27. Thank you Shannon for posting this!! I too am struggling with in this same area and I have a 3 1/2 year old....I thought it would get easier also but honestly it didn't. Some ways it did but in other ways it got harder the older my daughter gets.

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  28. Oh my gosh I couldn't agree more with this post! It's like it came right out of my mouth! ha We too REALLY struggle with how to balance our marriage and the kids AND working. What makes things worse for us is I am also in school :( Luckily thought, we have AMAZING parents who are always willing to take the kids so we can have "date nights" and that helps a LOT! We don't really have a set amount, like once a month or whatever, just whenever we feel it's been awhile and it's needed (which is a lot!) we make the call! I tell every couple I know that nights alone are CRUCIAL to keeping the relationship alive. Whoever you can find to rely on for babysitting, take advantage girl! And don't feel selfish one bit about it. You two NEED that time together, it makes you that much better of a parent as well because you're not stressed about getting that time in too! I agree with some of the other posts that early bed times would help too. That is one thing that we are SOOO bad about. We are night owls and it has rubbed off on our kids too! ha If they actually went to bed at 8 like most kids their age, we would have at least a couple hours to ourselves to just enjoy each others company. Honestly, I think it is a learning process that you will continue to tweak and change for years, as more changes arise. This is something I bet every couple with kids goes through, so DO NOT feel like a bad mom!

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  29. I feel like you struggle with this no matter how long you had it "just the two of you". I have to say, my hubs and I suck at "date nights". But there is so much that is still just us. There's still jokes that is just us, there's looks that are just us and sometimes we send her to the sitter and we both take a day off to just do nothing together all day. Just us.

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  30. i totally understand this post completely. no shame in it at all. i think we have all felt this way at one point in our lives ya know... just because we focus so much on the mom aspect. i struggle with being a great wife... because im so focused on baby girl... but im working on it.

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  31. you know, I go back and forth on this so its interesting to read. Some days I say "I a so glad we were married 4 years before having a baby" and then other days I think "Why did we wait? I wish we did this years ago!?" That part might to do with my husband's age :)) But, its intersting to think about it. For us- the key is having my parents close by and BEGGING to take our daughter. Literally- my mom wants her a lot. I like to take our baby everywhere so we mostly do- we go out to eat often and just take her, but for parties where kids shouldnt be-its to grandparents house she goes. My hubs is gone mon-fri most of the time so I basically get him on weekend nights and we just hang out...unless he is annoying me- then I watch trash tv that he hates :)

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  32. I think every couple needs that kind of time together to keep their relationship a strong one.

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  33. OMG, I wrote a post about this same thing only months ago. i feel ya sister. My LO is still small almost 2 so we don't get out much.

    http://www.mommytologanb.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-06-07T23:00:00-07:00&max-results=4

    xoxo, Misty

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