August 8, 2013

My Fears

Having a baby is a scary thing.  You are all the sudden responsible for this little life and there is no instruction manual.  Having a baby the second time around is equally as scary but for a whole new list of reasons.

In some ways having a second baby is easier.  You kind of know what to expect in terms of hospital stays, postpartum dressing, learning your own baby versus what's "normal", etc.  Although each baby is different some things are just trial and error and therefore making each baby after the first a little less "scary" because you aren't afraid to try or do things that you think are right, regardless of what is "normal".

However, with that being said, I have run into a whole new set of fears as we get ready for Baby Brother's arrival.  No longer am I afraid of things like sleeping through the night {it'll happen eventually} or feeding on schedule {babies eat when they're hungry} or even going out in public {you just have to do it}.

Now I worry about things like love.  With your first you are guaranteed to love them with your whole entire heart no one else is filling that space so naturally your first born has it.  I read about a lot of people being fearful of not being able to love their second as much as their first and that's where I'm different.  I'm afraid I will love him more than her.  Hear me out.  With Kendall I had to go back to work after 8 weeks, she was still a tiny baby.  I worked until she was 18 months old and I feel like that period of her life is such a blur that I barely remember things like when she started crawling, her first word, and when she got her first tooth.  I remember things like our first family vacation when she was 5 months old, waiting in line to see Santa that first year and how adorable she was in my brother-in-laws wedding but that's because those were major moments. I hate that I feel like I was robbed of those precious months because of a job but that was a part of our story.  Now I'll be home with James Weston and I'll get to experience all of these things that I feel like I missed with her and that makes me feel like I'll be closer with him.  Partner that with the hopes of a successful breastfeeding journey and it's like a recipe for more James love.  Or is it?

I think about my weight loss the second time around.  Will I be as successful as I was the first time?  I am already in a better place than I was when I was pregnant with Kendall.  My weight gain, thus far, has been the same but my mind is in a totally different place.  After I had her I kind of felt like "well this is my new body" and just dealt with it for 6ish months before I decided to do something about it.  This time I'm ready now.  I already know I'll be doing MyFitnessPal again {counting calories} and I want to start on day one.  I am ready to have control of my body again but will my body respond the same way?  It's all unknown.  I know that no matter what I will share my journey just as I did last time so stay tuned.

I'm nervous about how my relationship with Jimmy will be affected.  Right now we are in a good groove, we know what to expect from Kendall and how to respond as well as making time for each other.  We have date nights because it's easy to find a babysitter for one kid.  We have a few hours in the evening alone because Kendall goes to bed at the same time {mostly} each night.  But a new baby means a new set of issues.  Will we be able to get a sitter for two kids?  James Weston might not go to sleep when his big sister does therefore intruding on our husband-wife time.  Will I be so stressed out after spending all day alone with two kids that I take it out on him when he comes home from a long day at work?  I hope not but I'm sure it'll happen on occasion {I apologize in advance Jim-bo}.  A new person brings a whole new set of struggles and I just hope that it doesn't impact us negatively but rather brings us closer together.

And then there's Big Sister.  I pray daily that she just slides into her new role as Big Sister as smoothly as possible.  I hope that it's love at first sight when she sees her Baby Brother and kisses him for the first time.  The truth of the matter is it could really go either way.  I can totally see her being all lovey-dovey towards him and helping me with him and just doting on him in every way possible.  Then there is the opposite which I can also see happening too.  Will she be resentful that I can't just drop what I'm doing and play tea party?  Is she going to feel like I'm pawning her off when I take her to preschool less than a month after he's born?  Is she going to regress when she sees him with his pacifier and remembers that it wasn't too long ago that she had one too?  I don't know, I just don't know.

So while having your first baby is beyond scary and all unknown, I think that the second time around is equally scary and for equally important reasons.  I know I'm not the first one to have a second child and that several millions of women have done this before me, and lived to tell about it.  Only 6 more days and then it's on to a whole new set of worries!

11 comments:

  1. Well, obviously I don't have any babycakes yet but let me tell you just what I have witnessed from being an aunt. It DOES happen. It's not on purpose and it's not that it's about loving one "more" over the other, it's just keeping conscious of the fact that even though James will be a baby, Kendall is still little too.

    When my nephew was born, it was the same scenario. My sister had worked when she had my niece and then became a SAHM when she had my nephew. Even though the mom's traded off watching my niece each day, my sister still missed a lot of stuff that she got to experience with Miles. My mom and I occasionally have to send a gentle reminder that my niece is only 5 (Miles is now 3) but my sister sometimes treats her like more of an adult and expects more out of her just because she is older and because she's in toddler mode since Miles is younger. It's a difficult balance. One of the things that we suggested to her that's worked out really great was to make sure that Cam gets one on one time. She doesn't have her brother shoving Batman in her face at those times and she gets to do something fun with Mommy or Daddy or both.

    It's a learning process for anyone with (or about to have) two. Your bonds with each of your children will be special and unique no matter what, simply because there is so much love in your home.

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  2. So thoughtful. I am expecting our second in October, and our first is already 5 and 1/2 so I have many similar fears. I just wanted to share some breast feeding experience with you. Counting calories does not work with breast feeding, if you don't eat when you are hungry, you simply will not produce milk. You have to eat, and the in the beginning you have to eat a lot. I lost 60lbs while nursing (what I gained while pregnant, I know ugh.....) so it is possible, but you have to eat, and exercise, and eat more, and eat before bed, and eat carbs, and eat in the middle of the night. Talk to a lactation coach about calorie intake, and what type of calories you need. The great thing about nursing is it melts away the first 30lbs quickly.

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  3. Oh honey bunny. I cannot even imagine the thoughts going through your mind. But I do know that you will find your groove and everything will just. make. sense. It always does in the end. Sending you love and virtual wine to get through the next week.

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  4. I started writing a post the other day about the same sort of thing! I'm so much more nervous/anxious this time around!

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  5. Shannon - I had so many of these similar thoughts before Marlow arrived. You'll be fine. Everyone will. Like everything though, it will take time. Everything will. All things will change - Kendall will change, your Husband will change, you will change. Everyone is adapting to this new normal. Marlow is just shy of 5 months and I would say I really started to feel like I had it figured out around 4 months. Everyone is happy and sleeping, including the Husband. Balancing life with two children is a lot of work emotionally and physically. There are so many emotions with the lack of sleep, physical emotions because of how my body changed (2nd baby, 35 is tough), emotions because I had no time for me or my husband. Just take it one day at a time. You'll get there.

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  6. AWW- don't stress. You will come to find you will love both your children equally. I worried about the same things you did. It all falls into place, everyone adjusts and you get into the groove. I am sure Kendall will adjust just fine and will be an awesome big sister. I can't wait for JW to be introduced.... anxious in Illinios.

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  7. Son of a bitch I had a long comment that I made disappear! Talk to Katie at Loves of Life about nursing when on weight watchers.

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  8. This was a great post! I have a lot of the same second time mom fears. I lay awake at night worrying sometimes about how our new family will all fit together. We've been just the 3 of us for 7 years!

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  9. I think these are all valid fears. I would be nervous too! I'm saving all of these posts for when I have kids one day! lol

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  10. I am most definitely more scared this time around when bringing baby #2 home. There are just so many new things to deal with.

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  11. Shannon. These are legit fears and ones I have no doubt you'll overcome. I feel like the first year of Carsyn's life I spent adjusting and worried. The second year I spent pregnant and ill. But now? It's such a happy content place.. And I can't wait for you to have that baby boy and see what I mean. KP will love on him and your heart will explode. Your hubs will have this glow about him.. Like the happiest man ever.. And you'll find your groove as a mom of 2 so easily. I cannot wait for you to be a family of four and to follow along on your journey.

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