October 20, 2015

Stepping Away

Recently I started reading Hands Free Mama at the recommendation of Instagram. Ladies, if being present and putting your phone away is something you struggle with I recommend this book.  I was shocked that I found it at the library a couple of weeks ago but I will say don't bother with a rental.  Grab yourself a copy that you can highlight, write in, re-read, dog-ear the pages, etc.  You're going to want to have this to reference and a library copy just won't do.

Some of her stories make me cringe.  Ignoring your kids because you just want to finish this email.  Not letting the kids "help" with something for fear of them doing it wrong or making a mess.  Texting while driving.  Missing special moments because you're too busy checking out everyone else's special moments.  Sounds awful, right?

I found myself relating to more than one of her "awful" stories.

I've been guilty of checking Instagram at a stop light.  I've told my kids, "give me one second" so I could finish typing an email.  I've chosen to let them stay inside and watch TV so I could write a blog post. I'm guilty of missing moments because I'm too busy taking a picture of "the moment" but instantly posting to Instagram.  I'm embarrassed to admit, I've done it all and I've done it too often.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in social media.  You have your phone, your iPad, your laptop, making it so convenient.  You no longer have to be home to scroll Facebook because it's available at your fingertips even when you're at the zoo.  It's fun to see what everyone else is up to and their pretty pictures but at what cost?  And when is it too much?

I'll admit it's too much and too often for me.  My phone is never too far away and if it is I kind of feel twitchy.  Want to talk about a punch in the face?  I've been trying to step away from my phone when the kids are awake/around and one day my phone was "far away" from me and Kendall picked it up and brought it to me,"mommy, here's your phone".  As if to say, "I can't believe you don't have it in your hand, here you go".  It made my heart hurt a lot.

The book doesn't just talk about stepping away from social media, computers and other devices though, it talks about stepping away from this idea of "perfection" which includes, but is not limited to, distractions, to-do lists, and societal pressures.

I can't tell you how many times I've missed out on snuggling up and watching a movie with a big ole bowl of popcorn because I wanted to clean up the kitchen.  I've skipped going to the park in order to get stuff crossed off of my never-ending to-do list.  They look forward to seeing Jimmy come home because he will take them outside and play silly games.

And I know my kids have amazing, fun-filled, adventurous lives.  I know that we do a lot more than some kids get to.  Heck I wrote a whole blog post on what an amazing summer they had and how I'll never be able to live it up because it was a nonstop good time.  BUT I know I could be better and I don't mean that in a perfectionist way, I mean I could be better because I could be more present.  I can quit worrying about the dirty dishes and the toys on the floor and I can snuggle.  I can say "to heck with that to-do list today, we're going to the park!".  When my kids look back on their childhood I want them to remember ME, not a clean house.  I want them to remember the silly games we played, not that mommy was always on her phone/computer.

I'm not airing my "dirty laundry" for head pats, for "but your such a good mom, you're being too hard on yourself".  I'm also not sharing this because I want judgement.  I know there are other women, moms, out there who are in the same boat.  They are consumed by social media just as much as I was.  They realize that their priorities are out of whack but they do nothing about it.  I've been there and it's a sucky, sucky place to be.  My hope is to inspire others to recognize their "faults" and take action.  If that means picking up this book today, putting down your phone for even a 10 minute period throughout the day, or throwing your to do list out the window.

I challenge you to take that small step.  It will seem silly at first, you won't know what to do with your hands but then it will feel amazing.  You'll notice a difference in your family almost immediately and that alone is enough to make you want to do more.  We live in a very connected time and with that comes a lot of good but with all good things there comes bad.  We just have to figure out how to balance the two and live our lives with purpose.  Starting today!




14 comments:

  1. I greatly disliked that book. I don't know why but it was really hard for me to get into it. Which bummed me out because I really wanted to like it. I feel what you shared here is exactly what I needed to hear and not from her book.
    However... I know that I need to cut back on some areas and focus on others and have been turning my phone off for 3 hours every day. Morning, afternoon and night I disconnect. It's my favorite hours of the day.

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    1. Weird! Was it her writing style? I know a lot of people warned me that it was going to be hard to get through but b/c it was so eye-opening. And so it's taking me a while to read but that's just because I'm trying to let it all soak in.
      But turning off your phone for 3 hours is awesome! I have been a lot more mindful of turning off my notifications {baby steps} so I'm not even tempted!

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    2. I don't know because I wanted to love her book. Maybe it was because I was guilty of everything and I didn't like it. But yes... stepping away is so good for you, your marriage, you family.

      PS - I love having your back in my blog feed!

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    3. I agree with Stephanie. I bought this book early in the year, read about 3 chapters in, and I actually threw it away...gasp. I don't know what it was exactly, but sort of felt like it was ridiculous someone had written a book about how to not ignore your kids. I, too, am so guilty of all of these things, and MAYBE...MAYBE that's why I didn't like reading it all. Not because it was a slap in the face, but because I KNEW what to do to fix it, it was just that I wasn't.

      All that said, I'm ridiculous and I just bought it again. So, there's that. ;-) Now who's crazy?

      Also...the Moment app is amazing. Just throwing that out there. I did get that suggestion from the book, I think.

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  2. It's so hard. SO hard. I feel like, as women, we have all of this pressure to "do it all". To be super heroes. We also want to hold on to that last little shred of our former selves that were able to check Facebook. But the house needs to be clean. And the food needs to be cooked. It's tough. Most of the pressure is what I put on myself. And I know that. I try to make sure to check my phone when John is entertaining himself for the moment. The second he comes and wants my attention though, I put it down. I can finish whatever I'm doing later.

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    1. So true! We do want to do it all! We want to be the best mom, wife, friend, blogger, coach, EVERYTHING! But we can't do it all and we shouldn't feel like we have to so that's what I'm trying to learn.

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  3. Wow! Good timing. Last night, it was play time before bed with my boy. Daddy was working late. As cartoons were on he was trying to get my attention while I scanned through facebook. Somehow I felt like I "deserved" some facebook time because I hadn't been on it much that day. He starts throwing his toys and acting out. I went to go put him in time out for being bad and when I was bringing over to the corner he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I melted and realized it was ME that needed the time out. He was clearly just trying to get my attention! Did I ever feel like a shitty Mom in that moment! Here I was more in tune to what everyone else was up to, rather than my own boy. I turned my phone off and we had SO much fun playing on the floor! I promised him in that moment that every night Mommy would put her phone away! Not only for him but for me as well. I want to remember those little moments with him and enjoy his company every night. Thanks for the post! Going to read the book for sure! xo

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  4. I definitely have struggled with this before! In fact, I deactivated my Facebook account, and I truly don't miss it one bit. Now Instagram on the other hand, I love! I came up with a pretty cool technique, though. I only scroll through when I'm riding my stationary bike. I like to do it for 30 minutes, so for me, that is not looking through Instagram for 2 days beforehand, so I have "something" to do while on the bike and not be bored. It's pretty awesome! I'll still check blogs, email, and Pinterest... But not nearly as often. I still have work to do in regards to just getting out more often with my kids, but at least I've figured out how to get the phone or iPad out of my sight for awhile!

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  5. I recently deleted several apps from my phone. I realized they were taking too much time and energy, and also giving me serious FOMO. I don't want Boomer to only be entertained by screens, and I don't want her memories of me to be my phone, or as she referred to it once, my binky.

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  6. I absolutely LOVE that book. I am reading a couple of other books right now, and I am hoping to re-read this book soon. I personally think the best books are those that do challenge you and force self-reflection to make changes that need to happen in your life for you to become a better person. Sometimes, those books are the toughest to read because they are truthful, and sometimes, we need to read things to hear them loud and clear. As far as being addicted to social media, I admit I was very addicted to Instagram and felt I needed to post it all on Instagram. I figured out this was robbing and stealing my joy from my family AND why did I need to share every sacred and special moment with my family with the world? In some ways, I felt like it was cheapening those experiences so I stopped Instagram a long time ago. D1 used to roll her eyes at me and asked me one day, "Why do you have to share our time with everyone else?" Exactly! She might as well have hit me in the head with a baseball bat. That hurt to hear, but my 10 year old is RIGHT. Also, I was reflecting on my need for validation, and it became very clear to me I had a void I was fulfilling with that validation. I stopped and figured things out and no longer post on Instagram. I do get onto FB a lot more than I want to and HATE. I am slowly trying to distance myself from it too. I have stopped posting so many pictures of my children on FB, and I am working to remove myself from this bad habit too. It is a black hole and time waster, and I don't like it at all. I hear you on having the phone on me. Nick asked me if I want to upgrade my phone the other day, and I said "Nope". Why? Because I personally do not want to be a slave to my phone and feel like I have to have it attached to me like another limb. My phone is rarely on me now because I don't want it to be. I am a much happier person when I am not checking everyone else's status on FB and Instagram and feel like I can BREATH again. I like social media, but I think sometimes, we can all get carried away.

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  7. I will definitely be picking myself up a copy of this. I was actually thinking about this very thing the other day, I am constantly on my phone taking pictures, editing pictures, posting on instagram, drooling over pinterest, or reading blogs and emails. For the last week and a half I've been trying my best to get off my phone once my husband gets home from work (Between 6-7pm). I will only answer my phone if someone calls me but other than that it's in my room on my night stand where I can't see it. I also made the realization that when I sit down to do my daily devotionals and spend time reading my bible, my phone was still a distraction. I would read and then look at my phone, read and look at my phone. So finally I made the decision a week ago to turn my phone on silent and place it on the other side of the room when I'm spending time doing my devotionals and oh man what a difference it has made.


    -Ashlee Michelle
    www.makeupandmodifieds.blogspot.com

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  8. I have just found tis amazing book too - and I am loving it!! I agree wit the first comment, it is sometimes hard to get into and keep reading but it's a slow read that takes time and referencing! I have been a slave of my phone and the distractions for too long - and my girls have definitely missed out on me being "present".
    A serious goal to get back on track with life, my family and my marriage - and NOT my phone or devices x

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  9. I'll have to check out this book. I'm trying to give up my phone more on the weekends, but I know I could do better during the week. I'm guilty of all those things you mentioned above. I'm naturally a home body and an introvert and it's hard enough trying to get out there for my kids, who are NOT introverts!

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  10. I have been trying to "step away" a little at a time. I purposely leave my phone at home when I am just running somewhere. I keep my phone in my purse when I am in the company of others and it feels so good. I recently had a meeting with my oldest sons teacher and his dad and gf were there too... They both had their phones on the table and checking them every 2 seconds and they called the meeting. I was like whoa, I hope I wasn't that bad. I will have to grab this book.

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