May 3, 2012

Guilty

Today I had {still have in my drafts} this big blog post about me failing as a mom.  About how motherhood is not all that I expected.  It was negative, not nice, and I'm pretty sure a lot of you would have said one of two things, "Amen sista!  I feel you!" or "I'm going to call CPS now.".  
It obviously had such an impact on me that I was still in a funk when Jimmy got home last night.  I felt relieved that I had finally gotten some of these thoughts and feelings off my chest but I felt guilty too.  I had basically admitted defeat and waived my proverbial mom white flag, thrown in the towel.  
Jimmy asked me what it is that I felt like I was failing at and I couldn't really tell him.  I don't teach Kendall enough?  I feel like she watches too much TV? I don't feel like I show her enough love?  Those were a few guesses I threw at him, knowing full well that none of them were true or valid.
And then he said it, "Babe, you're bored!".
Could it be that simple?  I mean we had just gotten back from a play date with a new friend at the park, how could I be bored?  But I listened.
He went on to say how he felt this way last summer.  He wanted so badly to take her out into the yard and pick flowers but at that point all she could do was drool and roll in the grass. He was bored then.  Now this summer is a different story in more ways than one.  Sure she is able to go out and pick flowers {and boy does she ever} but she can talk, interact, play, run and do things with us now.  It's pretty cool.  But the fact that she is so go, go, go is tiresome in a way where I feel like I can't keep up and can't keep her entertained.  Jimmy reminded me that this is just the age.  That this toddler stage is hard, probably one of the hardest in parenting {until we get to the teens, oy!}.
He then remind me about the amazing things that Kendall has learned since I started staying home with her.  Like how when she's frustrated with something instead of whining or crying over it she says, "help please". Or how when I draw shapes she instantly knows which one is which without me even asking.  Holy crap!  I have taught her something!  I am doing a good job!
Even after I had that realization I couldn't shake this feeling.  I went on to tell Jimmy that I was so desperately craving our pre-baby life.  The carefree-ness of picking up and going to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.  Quiet evenings with just the two of us and a glass of wine {for me} and a beer {for him}.  And then I said it, "You were right."  First time he's probably ever heard those words and it could quite possibly be the last.  But in this moment it was true.  He wanted to wait to have babies so that we would have more of these husband-wife moments before our life was all consumed with another person.  I cried {literally} at the thought, I wanted a baby so!bad! And only now am I realizing why he wanted to wait.
But such is life and this has only reinforced the need for more date nights in our life.  More kid free moments.  We have been saying "we need to find a church" since we moved to this house nearly two years ago and yet here we sit every Sunday at home, not at church.  We decided we will change that this week and hope that God {and MOPS} can guide me into the right direction.  We still need to  make ourselves and what's important to us a priority again.
Last night I went to bed feeling better.  He had said some very good words of wisdom and knowing that he felt the same way {only a year earlier} made me feel less crazy, less guilty, about my feelings of failing at this mommy game.  Then I woke up to this, "Hun keep your head up and remember how much Kendall and I love you.  You are the heart of our family.  Today instead of cleaning or trying to get stuff done just pour yourself a glass of wine and feel good about yourself for being such and awesome wife and mom."  
And that said it all. I am not failing.  Kendall is learning and growing.  She knows how much I love her. She is happy and well adjusted.  So today I will listen to my husband and I will feel good about this life and my flower picking princess.
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40 comments:

  1. Aww, hang in there girl! You and Jimmy need a date night asap! Can KP spend the night at your MIL's??

    And what's this about a job interview???

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  2. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I have really been feeling like that this past week or week and a half. I think it is totally normal, life changes completely and I think it is impossible to be 100% "ready" for all that (whatever that means!). Last night I just decided to go out for dinner with a friend, have a margarita as big as my head, and relax while my husband watched our daughter and I came home feeling so much better. Sometimes I think we just need to step back and relax for a second and quit putting the pressure on ourselves. So go have that glass of wine! ;) And what an awesome husband you have for talking you through it all!

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  3. I think every mom goes through this at some point. Hubs is right though, you are doing an awesome job teaching KP and being a great SAHM!

    Can you guys do something fun together, like sign up for a 4 week cooking class, or tennis lessons, where one of the Grandma's can take her for the evening?

    Either way, hang in there. It won't be like this forever and you're doing a really amazing job :)

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  4. When I read your post this morning, I felt like you were writing what was exactly inside my head! I even read it to my hubby!! I felt this way last night. My toddler is in the same stage, go go go and I can't keep up or keep her entertained. It is SO hard some days. Thank you for being so open and honest. It feels good to know we are not alone in their craziness that is motherhood!

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  5. Wow, that's an awesome hubs you have there. You're doing amazing Momma!

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  6. I have this talk with my mom from time to time. About how she felt like she was a failure as a mom. It must be a mom thing that I don't understand. We always had a roof over our head, food on the table, clothes on our back. We both grew up to be happy, healthy, relatively well-adjusted adults. I think sometimes mom's put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect. KP loves you. She's a smart, happy, healthy, growing thriving baby girl. Celebrate your accomplishments. Not your downfalls. You are doing great! And don't let anything or anyone make you feel differently.

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  7. Girl, get your butt to church!

    Not only will you be so blessed as a family, but you will find a ton of other hot young mams just like you. Who try really hard. Who fail sometimes. Who love their kids & husbands & God but still feel...lost sometimes :)

    This One Toddler things is hard. You have to be the playmate, entertainer, chef, teacher, etc. and THEN still be sexy & fun for the Huz when he gets home! It's exhausting!

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  8. I can't lie. I teared up reading this. You are so amazing. In every way. I envy you and the amount of time you now have to dedicate to your little one and help her grow. I find myself feeling so guilty because I am not the one teaching Smith any of the things he knows. His teachers are responsible. And that makes me feel like a failure.

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  9. Amen, sister. I feel the same way a lot of the time. We got pregnant literally 2 months after our wedding and it's hard to know that one-on-one carefree couple time is SO over (minus the occasional date). It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, but I get it, it is tough! No CPS calls here! ;)

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  10. your husband rocks at life!!! omg, you seriously have found one of the good ones for sure. The fact he could recognize what was wrong and get you started on making it right. Being a SAHM is the hardest job ever. ever ever ever. And KP's this age... oh wow I can't even imagine! Yes, like everybody has said, you need date nights... date weekends too. Finding a church is a great idea. Do you belong to a gym? utilize their free daycare for even 30 min a couple times a week. To be the best mamma, you gotta know when you need some recoup time. It sucks and is the worst to admit but it's so so necessary. And omg you taught her manners and shapes?! you're amazing. that's such a proud mama moment for sure :) trust me, the toddler years fly by and it gets easier. for sure!

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  11. We all have these moments. I feel like a complete failure as a mother at least on a weekly basis. Some days/weeks/months/stages are easier than others. You are doing a great job. I don't even know you in real life but I do know that you care and that makes all the difference in the world. KP is learning all the time whether you are sitting there trying to teach her something or not. Have fun with her, and guess what? She's gonna learn her colors and shapes and ABC's whether you play teacher with her or not. Promise. Keep making time for you and NEVER feel guilty about it. You need your friends and your husband and your alone time. NEED it. And if you keep making time for these things you will be teaching your daughter the importance of friendship, and the importance of investing in your marriage, and the importance of re-charging your batteries. Sometimes being a mother can feel claustrophobic, there is no getting around it...you just have to get through it. Hang in there, you'll get through this funk.

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  12. My heart is bursting right now. What you've described is exactly how I've felt lately. Defeated. I'm fact my night ended with a major melt down and the ugly cry. Ugh. I think, like you, I'm craving those pre-parenting moments. The quiet. The absolutely nothing moments without wrangling in a toddler. It's such a tough gig because you love them so much it's crazy you could feel the need to have a break. But the realization is that we do! And confessions, we haven't been to church or joined a new church in our new town in years as well. We tried to pump ourselves up to go, I even found us one to test out but we chickened out. So are you staying home with KP for good now? What's going on there? Either way I hope you enjoy this time. As a working mom who needs a break, I can't even imagine the break SAHMs need! Ha! It's got to be even more exhausting! :) hang in there, sounds like you've got a great man by your side!

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  13. Wow! I *heart* Jimmy!

    I think everyone needs to hear that they are doing a good job from the ones they love. I'll tell you - I miss that so much. I often wonder if he sees how I am well I am doing with our girls. Also, make sure Jimmy knows how much you love him. After Mike died I questioned myself, did I show him enough? You just never know what cards you are dealt in life. Sad but true.

    I will also say that I miss those toddler years so much. Enjoy them and cherish them. I remember a few times I'd say to myself "remember this time because it won't last long". And boy was I right. My oldest is 12 now. She is funny and bright but I miss holding her in my arms and on my lap. It is the little things.

    This was a great post. Loved it. Honest and pure.

    Kendall is a lucky girl.

    Deb

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  14. Legit teared up. You are an awesome friend, too. And sometimes, you just have to put it out there.

    HeyTell catch up required.

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  15. Are you doing MOPS next fall? I have loved it so much this year and almost cried at our last meeting yesterday. It's so nice to be around moms who are encouraging and have been through the same toddler issues.

    I worry all the time about G learning while a home with me and I'm a former teacher! His daycare had certified teachers and I felt kind of guilty from pulling him away from that. I have to remind myself that I'm doing the best that I can and I think that's good enough. You're a great mama!

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  16. Try and keep in mind...Kendall will only be this age for so long and I PROMISE you and Jimmy are going to have "your-time" again and then you will miss these days!

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  17. I honestly dont know what to say except.. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I totally know everything you are feeling. And the best part? It's completely normal. Go on with your bad self mama. Get some time with your hubby. Keep teaching Kendall all your fab ways. You are rockin it. And when you feel like you aren't (like I've been feeling A TON lately) take 10 min to yourself. I know you know that it does wonders!

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  18. I go through phases like this all of the time. I'm a stay at home mom as well, and I try to do so much, but at the end of the day, I still feel like there's so much more that I didn't do. We just have to remind ourselves that we can't do it all. And these amazing children running in circles around us... they are so amazing because of us. It doesn't just happen. I think all of us have at least a little "Mommy Guilt", but we have to use it to make ourselves better... not to bring ourselves down. Enjoy that glass of wine, schedule date nights with your hubby, and get your family to church. I need to take my own advice! ;)

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  19. Aww I can definitely relate and I'm only 4 months into this mommyhood thing but there are days (most days) when I'm so tired after work that I wish I could just come home and lay on the couch like I use to but I can't, I now have a baby I need and want to spend time with especially since he's in daycare all day. So yeah I get no breaks, no "me" time anymore. It's hard. But it sounds like you are doing a kickass job!

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  20. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for your honesty. I wasn't going to write a comment because you had so many lovely ones already. Then I went to move on with my morning and I couldn't stop thinking about your post. Tears started flowing. So I had to get back on here and let you know that your post struck a cord with me. I am no longer in the toddler stage and yes it does get easier more days then not, but I am defiantly feeling like you as of late. I just feel like I'm failing with our home, our children, and not the best I can be in the wife department either. Just like Jimmy did with you, my husband also had a talk with me and said great things. I think as SAHM we accomplish a lot more than we think we do. I think the lack of feed back, sometimes not feeling appreciated, and little ones always around is so exhausting. Hang in there mama. I keep telling myself there are better days ahead.

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  21. I'm a fairly new reader and have never commented on your blog, so first off, hi! And secondly, I just had to comment because I. Know. Exactly. How you feel! You're so not alone in these feelings! I feel like parenting is a roller coaster and on the down moments if you don't let out your thoughts you'll stay in those down moments longer, so it's good to get it out! And thank goodness for awesome hubs that listen and offer great insight. Just 2 days ago i had an ugly cry moment because nothing I was doing to punish my attitude-y 5 year old had any affect on her, I felt like I had no power, and I too, wanted to wave the white flag in defeat! But then the next day it got better. So just look forward to the next day for a fresh start.

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  22. I either feel like Supermom or The Worst Mother in the History of the World. 90% of the time, it's the latter. I mean, who yells at their kids and hates making lunches and forgets promises? Uh, me. I think you are a fantastic mom. Really.

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  23. Awwww you have such a wonderful hubby! And this also affirmed my desire to wait for kids! Dont wanna regret not waiting down the road

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  24. See I can't relate at all. I'm on the otherside. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 3 and a half. We've had so many "us" moments it's sickening. Travelled all over the world. But for the last year we've unsuccessfully been trying to have a baby. I would kill to be in your position. I'm over "me" time and random date nights. As they say...the grass is always greener.

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  25. Shannon- you are an amazing mother and I know this feeling all too well- it is most likely my ultimate struggle in life- because we all hope to be the "perfect mom" but I'm now realizing that my girls just want the best of me, and someways that isn't anything great at all! Love ya!!!

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  26. Kuddo points for that hubby! HE has the right words at the right time for you and your family.

    As a mother we all have these thoughts (more times then not) but when you can realize it is just CRAP and smile at the success u are amazing!

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  27. I just found your blog yesterday but love it already. I get bored with being home all the time. MOPS has been such a wonderful resource for me and I have made some amazing friends from that group. Even now as my husband is going through radiation treatments those ladies are sending me encouraging messages every day by text, facebook, or mail! Hope you find an amazing group as well!

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  28. Isn't it amazing when our husbands can talk us down and help us level out in those moments of crazy? That is hte makings of a strong, solid marriage right there. I definitely feel this same way many times. I've been daydreaming of that past life and thinking about how it's going to change once again as we add another critter ... it's such a funny place to be in. On one hand, we would never ever ever trade our sweet kids in for the world, yet on the other hand, the prospect of shopping without entertaining a little person (or worrying about when you have to get home to said little person) or going out to eat without having to use your iPhone and MMCH to get the toddler to sit still or getting a pedicure or this or that sounds so delightful. But then I try to remember that ache in my heart that I had during those kidless days, the ache that told me I wanted a baby and a family so badly ... sometimes it's so easy to think the grass is greener on the other side But really, the grass is greener wherever you water it :) Love you friend.

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  29. You are a wonderful mother! Don't ever think anything different! I hope you can find a church home. I know I felt so much better after we found our church. Good luck!

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  30. I don't even have a child yet, but you have reassured me that when I do have children I don't have to be perfect! Thank you for your honesty. My husband and I talk about starting a family but neither of us are ready just yet. My excuse is I don't want to have to share my time with him. Sad I know!! Sounds like you and your husband are wonderful parents and are both full of wise words for one another.

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  31. There must be something in the air...I've been having the exact same feelings. Thank you for posting this. Feels good not to be alone!

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  32. This is such a wonderful post for moms out there and you nail the thoughts of many of us at this stage. It's so true--they can do more, but geez it's a tough job making sure they have enough to do and are learning and all of that jazz. I just posted about this today as well. It wasn't as transparent as yours I suppose but often feeling the same nonetheless. And go kiss your husband, girl! You are so blessed to have a supportive man by your side!

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  33. Make me cry! I am so proud of you, Shannon! You are such a wonderful momma...I hope that I'm half the mom you are when/if I ever have kids. KP sure is lucky to have you as her momma. Thanks for being so honest and real...that's one of the things I love the most about you!!!

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  34. I think your an amazing mama and I hope that I can be half as good as a mom as some of you ladies.

    Real talk though, your honest and don't make it sound all sunshine and rainbows and I really appreciate that as a reader and as someone who's not a mom but would like to be

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  35. I've sort of been in a funk lately too, and feeling sort of down...and I really just think I'm lacking "purpose" in my life right now and that's probably how you are feeling too. Just, in a rut. Good for you for stepping back and looking at your life in a different perspective to realize that you are awesome at what you do, and you DO have purpose in your life. I'm sure I do too, and I just need to do the same exact thing. Bonus points for your super supportive husband. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else :-)

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  36. Shannon, I love so much about this post. Movies? They don't make me cry...even if they're REALLY sad, I usually don't even tear up. Reading posts like this make me tear up, though, because I know you're real, these emotions are real, and the way your hubby responded is real...and it's sweet. You are an amazing mom, and you already know that - but of course, we all get to feeling this way at some point or another. Hugs to you, friend. I love ya!

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  37. Hon, I feel like this way more than I feel like I should. But seriously? this mothering thing is freaking hard. Like ridiculous. At the end of the day, your husband is right; you do an amazing job. You'll have days where you feel like you rock it and then days where all you want to do is send your child away. far away. It's totally normal.

    At least that's what I tell myself. And if it's not normal, well, don't tell me ;)

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  38. Girl, I'm not a Mom but wow does your heart show so beautifully through this post!!! KP is one lucky girl to have you as a Mom!!!!!!!!! :)

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  39. You are a very lucky lady to have such an amazing husband! His little note made me get a little teary eyed!

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  40. My daughter's name is Kendall too! -- she is only 4.5 months. You honestly said some of my exact words. My husband told me to take a class of somesort (other than college courses) to get my mind off for a night. So i decided Im going to do a cake decorating class!

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